the final, final, and fucking final draft. june 15th, wednesday, 2011. three years after this hosebeast decided to start nibbling at my poor, tired balls. what a relief that it is finally asleep.

Death Capital

a play

by R.J. Jackson

characters:

Leroy
[male, early thirties, could be just about any race]

Timothy
[male, mid thirties, same]

Mabel
[female, white, mid to late thirties, red hair would be nice but isn't necessary]

Deborah
[female, definitely white, Mabel's age, blonde or brunette]

Tami
[female, white but would strongly prefer racial ambiguity, around thirty, preferably brunette but doesn't really matter]

Vanessa:
[female, mid-thirties, no race in particular, wears glasses, preferably with alopecia and wearing a wig, but otherwise with hair of any old color, modestly tough, not butch]

Charlie:
[male, mid forties, tall, stocky, intelligent but a bit oafish]

Judith:
[female, mid to late fifties, functioning alcoholic, long time drunk]

setting:

The Cock & Bull
[neighborhood pub, front wall barricaded, lit dimly]

[outside the back door of The Cock & Bull]

LEROY:
[walks up to it and knocks. waits. knocks again] Hello? [knocks again] Hello? [nervous at being outside, tries the knob] Hey! [knocks harder]

MABEL:
Who is it?

LEROY:
It's Leroy, let me in.

MABEL:
Is anyone with you?

LEROY:
[Leroy looks around] No. Could you open the door please, Mabel, I feel like I'm attracting attention, I'd rather not do that...so if you don't mind.

MABEL:
Have you turned?

LEROY:
Turned where?

MABEL:
Turned into one of them, Leroy.

LEROY:
I'm talking, aren't I, do you hear my words?

MABEL:
I can hear 'em in the front, they talk sometimes.

LEROY:
Fine, would you like me to be more eloquent, Madame, would you please be so kind as to open the fucking door? Please?!

[Mabel unlocks the door, opens it]

MABEL:
You know, we don't have to let you in.

LEROY:
[out of breath]
Oh come on, Mabel, I ran all this way. And not exactly as a crow flies, I've had a bad trip..but I'm fine, give me a break. And it's hot as hell out here, and I'm...out of breath and I need a beer, and I...I'm not going back home.

[as Leroy comes in and Mabel locks the door]

MABEL:
Why didn't you just drive?

[the both of them walking back to the bar]

LEROY:
Well, as you can imagine, the roads aren't very safe right now, and besides, uh. [as though telling her, but also hisself] Stacy took the car.

MABEL:
Oh. Shit, where'd she go?

LEROY:
[exhales] She went away. I wouldn't have guessed it about twelve hours ago, give or take. But it just so happens that Stacy has been fucking somebody for two years, unbeknownst to me, of course, so in the midst of crisis she has made it clear as to who she would rather die with. Everyone's gotten so honest all of a sudden, how refreshing.

MABEL:
God. What's his name?

LEROY:
I - I have no idea. Does the TV work? [wanting to avoid it] Please.

[there is a mounted TV, the screen is blue or with color bars, makes no difference as long as it is powered on and accepts no channel. it is on throughout.]

MABEL:
It works. But, nothing's on it, I already tried.

[he is sat at the bar at this point]

MABEL:
[pouring him a Maredsous, the both of them looking at the blank television. drink is filled] I wonder what he looks like. [brings it to him]

LEROY:
Thanks. Does it really make a difference?

MABEL:
[shrugs] Maybe a little bit. And you had no clue, you just didn't know?

LEROY:
No, she's always taken damn good care of me, I thought. Judging from her...obvious talent for multitasking, it appears that she had a helluva' lot to spare. If only I'd known I'd have hired one of those personal trainers or uh uh uh a witchdoctor.

MABEL:
[uninterested, hardly listening]
A witchdoctor, what for?

LEROY:
[glares] I don't know, Mabel, to bewitch her. Or bewitch him, especially, if I could help it. They could fashion a voodoo doll out of him, hand it back to me and I could...wipe my ass with it. Hell, I don't even know what that would do to him. [bemused] I'd probably end up giving him a free back rub - [changing the subject] and by the way, if you're expecting any more visitors, other than [angles head to the barricade in front] - I might suggest a less astringent [sic] line of questioning. I mean, a person might only make it halfway through the door before they're dismembered by a fucking mob.

MABEL:
Honestly, they haven't been coming to the back, I have no idea why.

LEROY:
Maybe a peephole or something.

MABEL:
Well, we already kinda' have a peephole.

LEROY:
Really? [wondering why they hadn't used this theoretical peephole]

MABEL:
Yeah, Charlie made one before he left, check it out.

[they walk to the back door, Leroy brings his beer]
[the peephole is a little over six feet above the door]

LEROY:
Oh perfect. Did it occur to him that we aren't all six foot five?

MABEL:
No, I guess not.

LEROY:
And where the hell is he?

MABEL:
Oh, Charlie? He got the hell out of dodge, said he was headed for New Orleans.

LEROY:
Then, why don't you just make a shorter one, one for normal people?

MABEL:
I can't, he took the drill.

LEROY:
But why, what does he need it for?

MABEL:
Leroy, it's his drill. He had been kind enough to put this nearly useless hole in the door, so I see no use in bitching at him. Frankly, I hadn't noticed until he was already gone, or I might have said something.

LEROY:
What an asshole. It's not like he's got some Habitat for Humanity-

[there's a sudden knock at the door]

LEROY:
[startled, beer still in his hand, barely]

MABEL:
[does not move, indifferent] Who is it?

LEROY:
Who is it?!

TIMOTHY:
It's Timothy.

MABEL:
Oh. [she reaches for the lock]

LEROY:
Wait. Wait, wait a minute, hey Timothy [puts his beer down, goes closer to the door] - just to be sure you're okay, um-

TIMOTHY:
Okay how, who is this?

MABEL:
It's Leroy.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, hi, Leroy. Mabel, have you hired Leroy to work here recently?

MABEL:
No.

TIMOTHY:
Good, I just wanted to make sure that that was very clear. So, if you don't mind, Leroy, I think Mabel's got this.

MABEL:
No, Tim, he's right. Do you see the peephole?

TIMOTHY:
What peephole? Oh.

LEROY:
Look up.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, I see it. Why is it so high?

LEROY:
Because Charlie made it.

TIMOTHY:
Oh. Thanks, what a dumbass, this is the best that any of you can do? Listen to me, I'm in great shape, I talk, I'm talking to you. This is not hard.

LEROY:
She says that they talk outside.

TIMOTHY:
Is that a fact, they talk? How about this, do they yell? You don't work here!

MABEL:
Tim. Just relax, it's all fine. We can look at you to make sure you're not...well, well actually, I'll have Leroy do it, he's taller.

LEROY:
Yeah, Timothy, just to check you out.

TIMOTHY:
So what if he's taller, it's too fucking high. For any of us.

LEROY:
We'll jump, Timothy, I'll count to three.

TIMOTHY:
Mabel, come on.

LEROY:
I'll count to three.

TIMOTHY:
[hesitates, then resigned] Fuck it. Sure, go ahead.

LEROY:
Okay. One, two, three.

[Leroy jumps on three, Timothy jumps a second after]

LEROY:
Dammit, Timothy, jump on three.

TIMOTHY:
No, I'm sorry, where I come from, we do it on go.

LEROY:
I didn't say go.

TIMOTHY:
Open the fucking door.

[Mabel unlocks and opens the door]

TIMOTHY:
[coming in] What's wrong with you people?

MABEL:
Ain't nothin' wrong with me. [looks at Leroy, closes the door, locks it]

LEROY:
[directed at Mabel] There's nothing wrong with me, either. [picks up his beer] [directed at Timothy] If you think it's insane to at least get a look at somebody; and she went along with it, and for good reason. It's a lot easier to think that shit doesn't matter when you're outside.

[the three of them walking back to the bar]

TIMOTHY:
You must have been outside at some point, what did you do then? Jump on go?

LEROY:
No. [considers, then to Mabel] Wait, why were you going to open the door for him like it was nothing and not me?

MABEL:
Why? I don't know, I trust him more than I trust you.

[back at the bar]
[Mabel pours Timothy a Paulaner, puts it down in front of him]

TIMOTHY:
Ya' hear that, Leroy? She trusts me more. And what the hell did you think you were going to see through that ridiculous fucking hole. In that split second, what, a piece of my face missing? Sunken eyes, I've had sunken eyes since I was born. I've been up since last night, I probably look worse than a walking corpse, better yet one that drinks Paulaner at 5 p.m, [picking up his Paulaner] thanks Mabel. And here you are, the glancing bouncer. Jesus Christ.

MABEL:
Hahahaha, the glancing bouncer. [not really stopping what she's doing, she's mostly doing simple bar work, not paying full attention to them]

TIMOTHY:
[offhand, but more directed at Mabel] Or the bouncing glancer, what with all the jumping. [to Leroy] On three of course, I mean, you're the boss.

LEROY:
[to Mabel] It didn't have to be a split second, what you need is a couple of stools so that we can get a look at each other from either side.

MABEL:
No, we're not using any more stools for anything, Charlie already used half the shit we have to make the barricade. No way [pulling out a bag of limes] - no way I'm putting shit outside for people to run off with. They can get their own damn stool.

LEROY:
How about a secret knock, we could have a secret knock, would keep out the riff-raff. [light nudge of head toward barricade, stays looking at it]

TIMOTHY:
[gestures to the front] Leroy, zombies don't knock. How about this? If they knock, then that's the secret knock. If they slam themselves against the fucking door, they don't get in.

LEROY:
Ah, goddammit, he used my stool [was staring at it nailed to the barricade, wasn't quite listening to him. it's nailed up through the seat, the legs still attached and sticking out awkwardly]

TIMOTHY:
Where?

LEROY:
There. [pointing at his stool]

TIMOTHY:
How do you know it's yours?

MABEL:
It isn't his.

LEROY:
Yes it is, I wrote my name on the bottom of it, you can see it, right there.

TIMOTHY:
[peers from his seat] I don't see it,

MABEL:
If I tell Sean or Robert that you've been writing on anything, and I mean anything, they'll 86 your ass, and for good reason. You won't have any stools to sit on.

LEROY:
I'm not writing on anything...except that stool, and that was it. I thought it was important and dammit it still is.

TIMOTHY:
What's wrong with the stool that you're sitting on?

LEROY:
Nothing I know of. I'm sure it's okay, but I don't like to mix around too much. You don't wanna' know the kind of things that live on chairs. You could contract a skin disease, you can get worms. Or even worse.

MABEL:
Yeah if this were a nudist bar. If everybody was just dragging their bare asses all over things, but that's not the case. And are you saying we don't run a clean bar?

TIMOTHY:
He's not saying that; Leroy, shut up.

MABEL:
I clean this bar every night. Okay? So that ingrateful little graffiti artists like yourself can piss and moan about how dirty the place is. You deserve worms.

TIMOTHY:
If he doesn't have them already, I mean, how often does one get checked for that. And you have been looking kind of thin.

LEROY:
I'm naturally skinny.

TIMOTHY:
Real pallid in the face. [gestures around his own face]

LEROY:
I'm fine.

TIMOTHY:
In fact, it's probably better for the rest of us that you kept yourself exclusive to that one stool, that you didn't...pass yourself musically from seat to seat, or we'd all be screwed.

LEROY:
Please.

TIMOTHY:
If I had worms, a belly full of long white worms, I would...I would lose my mind.

[Mabel has walked away]

LEROY:
Timothy.

TIMOTHY:
To have these living creatures inside of me would be so...terribly disturbing.

LEROY:
How did you get here, Timothy?

TIMOTHY:
Huh? I walked. I walked with my legs.

LEROY:
But, how did you make it here?

TIMOTHY:
[takes a swig] Very carefully. I came from Swiss, those fuckers were all over the place, had to take the long way. Why, where'd you come from?

LEROY:
Me? I came from home, down Oram. Had to cut through some yards. I hadn't hopped a fence in fifteen years, and I realized...I don't miss it. Why I had ever done it in my life is beyond me, I don't remember. [shows a tear in his shirt, a little frustrated] Torn my shirt. I might have pulled something.

TIMOTHY:
Were you seen?

LEROY:
No. No, in fact I didn't see anyone, other than out front, but they weren't interested in me. Too busy trying to get in here.

TIMOTHY:
And now here you are. Now you have all sorts of people to be interested in you, brilliant move. That is, if they manage to bust through this thing. Or find out there are backdoors to bars, I'd have realized that hours ago.

LEROY:
Look who's talking, where are you? Shouldn't you be in Mexico by now, or wherever the fuck people like you go?

TIMOTHY:
They don't serve this beer in Mexico, and besides, you'd have to be a fool take a car out on the highway. Any highway.

LEROY:
Shit, I'll take your car, I'd be in Waco by now.

TIMOTHY:
That shithole wasn't safe to enough to drive through a week ago, better yet today, and nobody'd better put a fucking finger on my car, I just paid her off in December. And who am I talking to, you already have a car, take that one to Waco.

LEROY:
No, actually, I don't.

TIMOTHY:
[winces, slightly confused, than 'ah'] Ah, Stacy left ya'.

LEROY:
[bemused] You don't sound at all surprised.

TIMOTHY:
I guessed it, didn't I?

LEROY:
Yeah, ya' did. I should have hired you two years ago, you know, for relationship advice-

TIMOTHY:
Aw, come on.

LEROY:
Yeah, well, fuck you too. Many thanks for all that you provide for my - my wounds and-

TIMOTHY:
If it makes you feel any better, you're better off. She was one of the bad ones, and believe me, I married and divorced something much similar. But, I got the car. No offense.

LEROY:
Yeah, you did get the car, didn't you? The one that she left you, no wait, allowed you to pay off until, what was it, last December. You divorced four years ago.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, but-

LEROY:
You really showed her-

TIMOTHY:
-no, trust me-

LEROY:
I bet she thinks about it all the time-

TIMOTHY:
-she got less than I did.

LEROY:
-can't get a decent night's sleep, thinking about all those payments you have to make and she doesn't. Good for you.

TIMOTHY:
I don't think you understand.

LEROY:
I mean, with all of your own failures, I could swear you were taking it all out on somebody. All of that pain that you must have been going through, my God.

TIMOTHY:
If you understood, you'd know that I won in the end.

LEROY:
You won? Is that what you people do? I've never been married before, so I don't know.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, something like that.

LEROY:
Sounds like one hell of a game show? [take drink] Tell me, please, do - do you pick door number two or...do you just lose it in the form of a question? In fact, I remember game shows to be where you start out with nothing and win prizes. It sounds like you sorry fuckers start out with the prizes and play to keep them.

TIMOTHY:
[diasaffected] Nah, I don't know about that, maybe it's all a blur by now, but I don't remember it that way. But there is competition involved.

LEROY:
And you won the competition?

TIMOTHY:
Yes. I won. Let me explain this to you, because I feel like we're having trouble, she's got the furniture. All of it, including mine. The furniture I had owned since before we met. The furniture I'd had since college. So, what do you think she got from me, a lovely duvet? No, she got cinder blocks from me. When she met me I was putting up curtains with thumb tacks, I've never owned a framed picture in my life. We cosigned for that car, and up until the end, it had screwed us both. So, the only thing that had ruined my credit and her credit at the time, I got that. We had waited for the lease to the apartment to be up before we split, so neither of us get points on that, but her credit score is still in the tank, and all for something that belongs to me. So I got more. So eat it.

LEROY:
How did you avoid getting it repossessed, seeing as how the two of you weren't responsible enough to pay your bills on time?

TIMOTHY:
I got a second job. I moved into a smaller place in a neighborhood full of junkies and criminals, and took up smoking the cheapest shittiest cigarettes that money can buy.

LEROY:
And what would those be, I've never had one of those? Cheap. Shitty cigarettes, must taste awful.

TIMOTHY:
I don't care to remember. [he zones out for a sec] I'm hungry. [gets up I'm going to the kitchen] Back in a sec. [slaps Leroy on the back, hard, walks off]

[Mabel has been in the kitchen, Leroy is sitting alone for a moment, sombre, looks at his stool nailed to the barricade]

LEROY:
Fuck this, I'm getting my stool. [walks to the barricade, pulls out the stool, opening a roughly triangular hole you could fit your arm through, eye level, a zombie looking through just on the other side. the window is not broken, so there is glass between them]
[startled and repulsed] Buh!

[the zombie doesn't seem to notice him much, walks away, so the camera can better see the crowd outside, waist up]

[Leroy holds the stool with one hand and peers out]

MABEL:
[Mabel walks in] Hey, don't mess with that.

LEROY:
I only want the stool.

MABEL:
It's not your stool, Leroy. It took hours for Charlie to put that up, whatever is up on that wall is no longer furniture. I want you to understand this. Permanently.

LEROY:
Look, it's only a little hole, and besides, I don't know why you don't want to keep an eye on them anyway.

MABEL:
The point of it is that they can't keep an eye on us, okay, I don't want them in here. [walking across the bar]

LEROY:
Don't sweat it, Mabel, they ain't getting in.

MABEL:
[she reaches him] Put it down.

[he puts the stool down, obediently]

MABEL:
[she takes it, puts it down next to where she is standing]
I have been here for five hours. Okay? And I've gotta' be here for eight more of them, give or take. You can leave here whenever you want, in fact, you can leave here whenever I want you to. You understand? I have an actual reason to be here [walking up to the hole] and - move - [looking out the hole] and there is no good reason for you to be here, so if you want to stay in this bar, you'd best stop fucking up my day-

LEROY:
[rolls eyes] Well, I'm not looking to fuck up your day, Mabel.

MABEL:
-or you're likely to get dealt with. [turns back to him] What happens if everyone else walks in here and says "Oh shit, [gesturing at a table nailed into the barricade] there's my table, I always drink at that table, I wrote my name on it? [turns back to the hole] What grade are you in?

TIMOTHY:
[comes back in] Someone's knocking at the door.

MABEL:
[to Leroy] Go sit down. [she starts to walk toward the back]

LEROY:
Should I cover the hole?

MABEL:
No, keep the hole, but put the stool on its side and away from people, it's got a screw sticking out of it, stupid. Or feel free to sit on it, please. It is yours, isn't it? [she walks to the back]

LEROY:
[picks up the screwy stool, looks at it, disappointed, puts it in the corner nearest him, upright, goes back to his original stool and pulls it up to the barricade to stare out the hole]

TIMOTHY:
[has walked up by then, a bowl of honeydew melon in his hand, to Leroy's left] You're not really gonna' sit on that thing, are you?

LEROY:
[still staring out, shoos at him with his left hand]

TIMOTHY:
I was in the kitchen, and it reminded me. I had the most fucked up dream the other day, do you remember when Napoleon invaded Russia? Leroy? Ya' ever hear of that?

LEROY:
[not paying attention to him] God, it's just bright as shit outside, I can't see anything. How do they stand it?

TIMOTHY:
You're in a dark bar, Leroy, I'm afraid you're the one with the problem. Would you care for some honeydew melon?

LEROY:
[looks at Timothy, bothered] No, I don't want any [looking back out the hole] - hey! It's Judith!

TIMOTHY:
Judith where? [cranes his head over to look out as well]

LEROY:
She's right-
[the peeping tom zombie walks in front, blocking the hole with his head, and just stands there]
-behind this guy. Hey! Hey asshole, move! [peeping tom zombie walks off] Oh wow, he moved [lightly surprised, as thought the guy had listened].

TIMOTHY:
Where is she? [pushes Leroy out of the way]

LEROY:
[lights a cigarette] Just stare straight ahead, she's out there.

TIMOTHY:
[glares at Leroy for a split second for stating the obvious, looks back out, sees Judith]
Oh no, she looks terrible.

LEROY:
She looked like that when she left last night.

TIMOTHY:
So?

LEROY:
So, it's no big deal.

TIMOTHY:
But, that was last night, she wouldn't look this wasted by now.

LEROY:
Don't they all look wasted?

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, but it isn't the same.

LEROY:
I'd say that if she at least looks as bad as usual, that's a pretty good thing. Hell, she's...fuckin' dead, man, I'd say that's a great thing.

TIMOTHY:
And I've never seen her in the daytime, have you? Better yet such a bright one, I can hardly tell anyone apart. But that is definitely her. [heads back to his stool at the bar]

LEROY:
I've seen her in the daytime, a couple of times...but it was always indoors.

TIMOTHY:
Ah, well there you have it. You've only ever seen her alive and drunk in the dark and now she's dead and sober in the daylight. It must all add up to the same thing somehow.

LEROY:
Well, somebody ought to go get her.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, please, by all means, go get her. I'll be watching through that little hole of yours, but remember, when they lay into ya' Leroy [whispers] I'm not here.

LEROY:
That's not what I mean; and, it's not my hole.

TIMOTHY:
Who's is it, then?

LEROY:
[turning back to Timothy antagonized] It's your mom's.

TIMOTHY:
Fine, I'll be there [pointing to where Leroy is sat] staring out of my [brow furrowed] 'mother's hole' with my beer and my bowl of honeydew melon watching you get eaten alive. I'd love it if they had little knives and forks and they did this to ya' [makes 'cutting with little knife and fork' mime, laughs].

LEROY:
I just don't like her being out there, it's too damn hot.

TIMOTHY:
I assure you, she's in no position to care. One thing's for damn certain, you wanna' take your happy ass out there, I'd suggest you brush up on your judo flipping, because those fuckers look irritable and unreasonable.

LEROY:
[he flicks his ash on the floor]. Besides-

TIMOTHY:
What are you doing?

LEROY:
What?

TIMOTHY:
Don't just ash on the floor, show some fucking respect, this is a bar.

LEROY:
What does it matter at this point, who gives a shit?

TIMOTHY:
I do. If the others were here, they'd be all over you [pause, turning away] ashing on the floor like a hillbilly.

LEROY:
No they wouldn't. [looks down at his cigarette. turning around] But you're right, where are the ashtrays? [looking about the bar, not getting up]

[Mabel is walking back in]

TIMOTHY:
I don't know, Mabel will know. Hey, Mabel, where are the ashtrays?

MABEL:
You can't smoke that in here?

LEROY:
Why?

MABEL:
You know damn well why, if TABC comes in here you don't just get a ticket, I get ticket.

LEROY:
Mabel, there's a barricade on the fucking door, it ain't gonna' happen.

MABEL:
They could come in through the back, they come in through the back all the time. Have some sense.

TIMOTHY:
Last I checked, the back door was locked.

MABEL:
Tim, they're TABC, you have to let them in.

TIMOTHY:
Try to imagine with me, Mabel, a TABC worker that is out writing tickets right now.

[Mabel stares the both of them down, her accepting things. she walks to an industrial wash rack nearby, putting out ashtrays]

TIMOTHY:
Why do you even have them around anymore?

MABEL:
You can't smoke in here during business hours, people gotta' sleep some time. You've never been here after closing because you weren't welcome, and you never will be, either of you.

[there's a hard knock at the back]

[she looks at them sternly]

LEROY:
Mabel. They're not coming. They're busy.

MABEL:
You'd better be right, I'm on probation. And if I get fined, you're gonna' pony up one way or the other.

TIMOTHY:
Is that a threat.

MABEL:
No, Timothy. [turns her head to Leroy] No, Leroy, it's not a threat, it's two threats. [holds her finger up as though to demonstrate] Here-
[she takes Timothy by his hair with one hand and slaps his face a few times with the other, and hard]

[Timothy is startled but takes it. He can say 'ow' or whatever he likes]

[there's an even harder knock at the back]

[she looks away from Timothy to Leroy]

LEROY:
Isn't it the responsibility of a woman to answer the door? That's what I've always been told. If you're at all angry, he's right there.

[Mabel lets go of Timothy's hair, nods at Leroy]

MABEL:
If you'll excuse me.

LEROY:
We gotcha' covered, Mabel, go for it.

MABEL:
[turning around, walking out]

[Mabel's gone]

TIMOTHY:
So Stacy, so Stacy-

LEROY:
Huh? Oh God, what about her?

TIMOTHY:
I don't know, did she give a reason?

LEROY:
I'm afraid she didn't take the time to explain it to me, how the fuck should I know?
[Leroy frowns at Judith outside, then goes back to the bar as well]

TIMOTHY:
With all due respect, it would have been easy enough to see it coming, I thought.

LEROY:
I don't expect you to understand.

TIMOTHY:
She's Stacy, what's to understand, I've met her.

LEROY:
She's a complicated woman.

TIMOTHY:
No, Leroy, she's never been complicated, she's just an asshole. You see, assholes...they might complicate the people and things around them, things like yourself for instance, but it isn't due to their complexity, in fact, Stacy is a simple-ass human being. People like you are complicated by assholes like her, you should be thankful she's gone.

LEROY:
You didn't know her-

TIMOTHY:
I would thank God, any God-

LEROY:
-you don't know her at all.

TIMOTHY:
-and yes I did.

LEROY:
No you didn't. Not to say that I'm not surprised, she was in such a good mood yesterday, you'd have never thought she'd run off the way she did. We had dinner at The Constance Cafe, we shared hummus and talked about our jobs and we disagreed on politics, which has always been good for us. It was...it was a great night, we fucked like usual and I set up the coffee pot before I went to sleep. I don't know, I'm not comfortable believing that there was nothing behind that. She had been there for me for so long, you'd know what that feels like, but...

TIMOTHY:
Please, go on.

LEROY:
I'm not that stupid, it was real.

TIMOTHY:
While it lasted?

LEROY:
Yes. And if it counts, I may be the loser in this, but how does one give that to two people? As much as she gave me to two men? I mean, she must have given him more, he's the one she left with, he couldn't have given her more than I did. What's the value of that?

TIMOTHY:
There isn't any value, Leroy.

LEROY:
Up until now, she'd have-

TIMOTHY:
[befuddled] Up until now? She fucking left you. Gone forever. She took your car.

LEROY:
I just don't understand how she could change that frequently. Or be that duplicitous, it isn't the work of someone cutting their time in half. I think she has multiple personalities.

TIMOTHY:
That bitch doesn't have one personality. If you had taken my advice you wouldn't be in this situation.

LEROY:
[gesturing around] What, like this?

TIMOTHY:
[hesitates, confused, then bothered] No, not them [gestures to outside], Stacy and the car. I'd warned you from the beginning that you were setting yourself up for pain but you didn't listen. I'd have thought you didn't want it at the time, but I was wrong, I think.

LEROY:
It would have been useless to listen to you, you've never liked anyone I know.

TIMOTHY:
You know me, I like myself.

LEROY:
Shows what taste you have. And last I remember, you didn't have me running my mouth off when Andrea left your sorry ass, did you?

TIMOTHY:
Well, why didn't you say anything, would have been more than welcome?

LEROY:
Because it was none of my fucking business.

TIMOTHY:
Aw, of course it was your business, you're a friend.

LEROY:
And she was your wife. And unless I'm one of a married couple's children or pets, I stay the hell out of it.

TIMOTHY:
Besides, Andrea didn't walk out on me, or like in you case, run out on me, we left each other.

LEROY:
And why is that, Timothy?

TIMOTHY:
Meh. [spend a moment not knowing what to say] I guess that near the end we were so agreeably pissed off and tired of each other that it only seemed the natural thing to do. I wanted more from her than she was willing to give. Or could give, for that matter. And vice versa, probably. [lights a cigarette off of the dying one before] And we were broke. Almost always. It's one thing to be alone and broke, but being broke with a broke wife is like, uhhhh [pause, think] comparing amputations. The most boring war story two people can tell one another, and you can only pick losers, which is bad for a marriage. We had to save up for the divorce, and let me tell you, if you knew how much a divorce cost, you wouldn't marry a solitary soul. But what made it better for us at least was that it was mutual in mutual out. It's a shame that they can't all end that way.

LEROY:
It's a shame that they end at all.

TIMOTHY:
I'd have to disagree with you on that. It's probably the best thing I ever had in my life, but fuck am I glad it's over. We'd probably been through a messy divorce well before we had an actual, down-on-paper divorce. I know we did the right thing.

LEROY:
Do you miss her?

TIMOTHY:
[shrugs] Only because I have to. And who did Stacy run off with anyway, did you see this guy?

LEROY:
How do you know that she ran off with anybody?

TIMOTHY:
I assumed. And by the way, when you say 'How do you know?' this or that, you kinda' give yourself away, try not to do that. Who was it?

LEROY:
I don't know?

TIMOTHY:
It's like when you accuse Cheryl of something, you know Cheryl, and she says [imitating] 'What are you talking about?' I got her to admit to having had anal sex before by doing that. And I was just being aloof, I wasn't expecting anything. But, there she went, [imitating] 'What are you talking about?', and it was over, she was busted. [laughs]

LEROY:
But Cheryl's so proper, I couldn't imagine her letting a guy do that to her. Unless that's her thing, I'm not her father.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, no, she did it to him by the time it was over with, she said as much, although by her account he was the one that asked for it to begin with. The way she made it sound, he's probably buried in her backyard somewhere. I can't personally say if he was much of a fighter, I have never met this guy. At least I don't think so.

LEROY:
We must have met this guy.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, and by the way, Mabel already told me about everything when I showed up.

LEROY:
Why did you ask, then?

TIMOTHY:
I didn't wanna' seem like a gossip, I just wanted you to tell me on your own. You have no idea who he was?

LEROY:
No. [sighing] I don't see any use in imagining who it was. Probably better that I don't know, I can keep imagining it's some fucking loser that'll make her life miserable.

TIMOTHY:
Well, I doubt she had just met the guy.

LEROY:
No.

TIMOTHY:
[through this, Leroy is only catching every other thing, not listening to him fully, rather dispondent]
I wouldn't be surprised if it were someone you saw all the time, really. I'm glad it isn't me. And, you know, you're right for that. I can't promise he's a loser but I can guarantee that he'll make her life every bit as miserable as you did, probably more. He won't be there to take the edge off like before, he'll be the problem. They'll have to take a dump in the same bathroom eventually, and it's around that time that forbidden fruit starts to take a wrong turn. She probably has some eerie fucking habit that I have no idea about. And for God's sake, don't ever tell me what it is. And he probably chews his toenails or...or ejaculates on his socks like a 12 year old. That'll break the spell mighty quick, you know as well as I do. He won't be that exciting whatshisface, he's gonna' be fresh out of mystery come sundown. It won't be like those other hot nights at the motel, back when he was so much more fun than you and someone that she can really talk to.

LEROY:
Well, she has a few habits, but nothing strange as that.

TIMOTHY:
Don't bother, it will never matter, Leroy. Why am I talking about this?

LEROY:
You're right, though, she might come back, I haven't ruled it out, you know.

TIMOTHY:
I didn't say she'd come back. I'm not encouraging it, I hope she doesn't come back at all, for your sake. I wish her all the suffering she's gonna' get, and in all seriousness what would happen if she did come back? What are you gonna' do together, go have a tropical vacation? Shit, you'd need a travel agent, a marriage counselor and a grief counselor, it'd take up the whole fuckin' week. You could stay in town for that.

LEROY:
Well, the grief is over her leaving me, I wouldn't need a counselor to begin with.

TIMOTHY:
I'd skip both and head straight for the murder/suicide. It'd be about as cheap as your relationship was to begin with, and fuck it, maybe she'll be back around out front soon enough, you can stare out and sob and point at her.

LEROY:
[looking to the hole] Is Judith still out there?

TIMOTHY:
I don't know, [gets up] I'll go check.

LEROY:
I mean, not to just stare at her, it just bothers me that she's out there in the sun with those awful...people, I guess.

TIMOTHY:
[looking out] Yeah, she's out there, poor thing. No animosity intended, I've always loved Judith, but if I had a gun on me I'd point it through this little hole and shhhoot her in the head.

LEROY:
[looks at him like he's a jerk]As a courtesy?

TIMOTHY:
I'm not trying to be mean, but yeah.

LEROY:
I just think it's wrong for her to suffer like this. I wouldn't let you do it, it'd feel wrong. I'd do it myself

TIMOTHY:
You wouldn't have the balls.

LEROY:
Yeah, maybe.

TIMOTHY:
And how do you know she's suffering? They look foolish as all hell, but only because I say so. I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy standing around for no good reason, I hardly have enough reason to be here.

LEROY:
They wouldn't know if they were enjoying it, Timothy.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, well, I don't intend to learn the hard way. If I'm gonna' be that stupid, it's gonna' be while sitting in a chair or lying on a couch or in bed, I find it too suspicious that they're so dumbfounded but don't even bother to relax. That doesn't sell me at all.

[Mabel and Charlie come in. Mabels goes behind the bar, Charlie stands at the end.]

LEROY:
Man...your peephole.

CHARLIE:
I know.

LEROY:
It's too high.

CHARLIE:
I know. Leroy. I'm getting a beer [pause] and then I'm gonna' go make a peephole for all of you tiny little people to look through. I'll even make one a couple of feet off the floor in case anybody brings by a toddler.

MABEL:
It's pouring, I'll bring it to you, Charlie.

CHARLIE:
Thanks [starts to leave].

TIMOTHY:
You must know that people aren't that tall, Charlie.

LEROY:
He's right - oh, and hey, and Charlie, could you get the screw out of this stool. It isn't a matter of it being mine so much as it could hurt somebody.

TIMOTHY:
Don't listen to him, Charlie, keep it in.

LEROY:
No, Charlie, please.

[Charlie goes to the stool, happens to have the drill on him, uses the drill to take the screw out of the stool. puts it down like it doesn't matter]

CHARLIE:
There. Enjoy.

TIMOTHY:
I think that a modest five foot six would be a fine height for a person to peep through, maybe lower. In the back door, I mean.

[Leroy goes to pick the stool up, looks throught the hole in the seat, puts it down and sits on it immediately, near the barricade hole but faced away from it]

LEROY:
Yeah, Charlie, the previous hole is terribly unsuitable. Nobody is that tall. I mean, you are, but-

CHARLIE:
[turns back] Yes. I understand, I'm going. [turning back, heading out] Jeez. Get off my back, assholes.

[Leroy is ultimately dissatisfied with his stool and puts it to the side, sticks with the one he had before, sits back down on it. whenever the actor likes]

MABEL:
Leroy. Leroy! Get away from the hole. If you keep staring at them, they're never gonna' leave.

LEROY:
I'm keeping an eye on her.

MABEL:
You're not keeping an eye on them anymore, you're eavesdropping, so get away from it. They're not street performers.

TIMOTHY:
Ya' know, if you painted them silver or gold...you know what I'm talkin' about?

MABEL:
[to Timothy] Shut up. [to Leroy] Leroy? [to Charlie] That's it, plug it up.

LEROY:
You don't understand-

MABEL:
Plug it up, Charlie.

TIMOTHY:
You don't understand, he's watching Judith.

MABEL:
Judith? Judith where?

TIMOTHY:
She's just outside, she's right there.

MABEL:
Dammit! Oh no, is she fucked up like them?

LEROY:
I don't know, Mabel, I think so. She looks at home, so I'd think she had some reason-

MABEL:
Dammit!

TIMOTHY:
What?!

MABEL:
She walked out on her tab last night. [walking to the barricade hole]

TIMOTHY:
Was it big?

MABEL:
It doesn't matter with her, usually, but we're trying to take care of loose ends and [Leroy moves so that Mabel can look out, she sees Judith] - [is a bit heartbroken] oh Judith.

LEROY
Was she drunk?

MABEL:
Only like usual, nothing serious. [huffs, heads back to the drinks she made for her and Charlie] Just keep an eye on her, and by that I mean check on her periodically, don't sit there and stare at her like that. [she grabs Leroy's arm] Get up, come on. [lets go of his arm, but leading him to a stool to the right of Timothy's, the barricade to Timothy's left] [addressed to Leroy] We're all adults here.

LEROY:
I understand, okay. Periodically. I care more about her than you do, so I'll check on her-

MABEL:
Fuck you, no you don't.

LEROY:
-periodically, as per your orders.

MABEL:
[sad about Judith] Man...that really sucks, her standing out there like that. [thinks for a moment, then picking her and Charlie's beers up] I'll be right back, don't do anything. [walks off]

TIMOTHY:
Okay.

LEROY:
Ah, you betcha'.

[Timothy and Leroy alone again, five seconds of silence]

TIMOTHY:
You know, I had a cousin that got rabies from a dog when I was a kid.

LEROY:
So?

TIMOTHY:
Nothing, I was just thinking.

[mad boots going klomp-klomp-klomp]

LEROY:
The fuck is that?

[Deborah walks in]

LEROY:
Oh, it's Deborah. [simultaneously disappointed that it's her and unhappy to see her]

[she has a seat, throws her heavy-ass purse on the bar. she also has a huge set of keys and a cell phone. and sunglasses on]

LEROY:
Hey...Deborah.

DEBORAH:
[curtly] What?

LEROY:
How are you doing?

[Mabel is coming back in, going behind the bar]

DEBORAH:
[taking her sunglasses off, thrown on the table] How am I doing, I'm doing fine - don't fuck with me, Leroy, I'm under a lot of stress.

[Mabel coming in]

LEROY:
Rough day, huh?

DEBORAH:
[reaching in her purse] I don't want to talk about it. Mabel, could I please have a vodka tonic.

MABEL:
Sure, babe. If you guys need a refill, you'd better get it now, I have to go back and help Charlie.

[they nod]

DEBORAH:
[lights up] In that case, could you make it two vodka tonics; in case you don't make it back in time.

MABEL:
Sure.

DEBORAH:
[exhales smoke, shakes her head] They'll never get all of that off, Mabel.

MABEL:
Yeah, I know.

DEBORAH:
And it isn't just the hood, it's the whole front of it. I'm lucky it isn't worse, but still. Now I have to take it to the dealer [rolls eyes]...I'll have to drive a loaner around for two weeks. An illegal immigrant is probably giving birth in it as we speak, by the time I get my car back...if it looks as good as new, it doesn't make a difference, Mabel. It's ruined.

LEROY:
Oh no, what happened? [most of what Leroy and Timothy say to her is antagonization, sarcastic, insincere]

DEBORAH:
[she looks at him, to her left] I don't remember talking to you.

LEROY:
With all due respect, Deborah, when you want to have a private conversation, people aren't supposed to hear you this well. You know what I mean?

DEBORAH:
[unconvinced] I'm still not seeing how this is any of your business, I was talking to her.

TIMOTHY:
Don't worry about it Leroy, just let her piss and moan some more. She'll answer all of your questions and then some.

DEBORAH:
[stares straight at Timothy]

TIMOTHY:
And then some more. Go get your fuckin' hood fixed, Deborah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the both of us that you did something that is none of our business. Try not bitching about it within earshot next time. I mean, if you like privacy and all.

[Mabel leaves it alone throughout, does her business, is not protective]

DEBORAH:
What do you drive?

TIMOTHY:
Who, me? I drive a Honda Civic.

DEBORAH:
Yeah, you do, don't you?

TIMOTHY:
It's the color blue.

DEBORAH:
That's adorable - my car is an SLS AMG, do you know what that is?

TIMOTHY:
I believe they call that an acronym.

DEBORAH:
I didn't think you did. [looks away from him] My father gave that car to me two years ago. [takes a sip] As a gift.

TIMOTHY:
Really, what for?

DEBORAH:
I'm his daughter.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, but what did he give it to you for?

DEBORAH:
For being his daughter [has a look on her face]. Timothy.

LEROY:
Timothy just paid his car off in December.

DEBORAH:
Good for him.

LEROY:
[shurgs] Well, we're glad you made it alive, Deborah.

DEBORAH:
Don't [pause] talk to me.

TIMOTHY:
You know what, Deborah, it's a pity that you've come by and you can't even bother to be social. Isn't that what people do at bars? Be social?

DEBORAH:
[covering her face, resigned] I'm not even supposed to be here.

LEROY:
Where are you supposed to be, Deborah?

DEBORAH:
[to Leroy] Shut up - Mabel, are the credit lines down?

MABEL:
Yeah, they are, since this morning.

DEBORAH:
Yeah, I thought so. I just came from uptown, had the same problem. [Mabel is making her drinks, probably finished by now] It was safe enough when I left, but I had to get out of there. Every time I looked out, there were more of them, I knew if I didn't get the fuck out of dodge, I'd be stuck in Turtle Creek until I was old and gray. Hardly matters, they fucked up my headlight, dented my hood. It could have been worse, I guess, still pisses me off, though.

LEROY:
Maybe you made them angry.

DEBORAH:
I didn't make them angry.

LEROY:
Well, they hit your car, didn't they?

DEBORAH:
No, not exactly.

LEROY:
I'm afraid I don't understand.

DEBORAH:
[ignoring him, directed to Mabel] I got out of the parking garage just fine, even uptown was manageable. It wasn't until I hit Live Oak and Skillman that the shit went down. By the way, you know what this is all about, right?

MABEL:
No, I've been locked up in here since this morning, I have no clue what's going on out there; all I know is that they're not welcome in this establishment.

TIMOTHY:
Did you try running them off?

MABEL:
It was too late, Robert must have called Charlie. By the time I showed up, he had already drilled half the damn bar up on that wall. I was told to set up, keep the bar open through the back and they'd take care of things, so that's what I did. They didn't start showing up until around noon anyway, and if I'd known that was gonna' happen, I'd have taken my own measures.

TIMOTHY:
Measures like what?

MABEL:
I'd have run them off. We don't allow solicitors here. And we sure as hell don't serve them; I've dealt with enough salesmen, biblethumpers, panhandlers, and lot lizards to last me the rest of my life; if somebody thinks they're gonna' loiter around this place, I know exactly what to do. But, of course, I'm not one to argue with management. I only work here.

DEBORAH:
No, Mabel, you don't understand, it's an epidemic, they had to close it off for your safety.

MABEL:
[shrugs] Fine.

DEBORAH:
You know what they're after, don't you?

MABEL:
Beats the hell out of me, it's always something, isn't it?

LEROY:
They're zombies, I thought it was all just standard shit.

TIMOTHY:
Standard what, Leroy, there's no standard.

LEROY:
Yes, there is.

TIMOTHY:
There's no fucking historical precedent, you can't-

LEROY:
Flesh and brains.

TIMOTHY:
That's bullshit.

DEBORAH:
I am talking to Mabel.

LEROY:
It's true, they eat the flesh and they eat the brains...and then they go swimming and they get a cramp. [he's the only one amused with his cramp comment]

DEBORAH:
Forget it.

LEROY:
Awwww, come on Deborah. [to Timothy] Deborah says she knows, [to Deborah] whatta' ya' say, Deborah?

DEBORAH:
I said forget it.

TIMOTHY:
[to Leroy] No. [to Deborah] Please. What? [silence, the both of them staring her down]

DEBORAH:
[huffs] [to Mabel] I think they're trying to fuck people.

TIMOTHY:
No. [almost guffaws it]

LEROY:
Why?! I have trouble believing-

DEBORAH:
I - shut up - I was leaving my building, taking a left, thankfully, because to the right, right in the middle of the intersection, was a black Jaguar.

LEROY:
So?

DEBORAH:
[mocking tone] So? So there was only a hoard of them gathered around what I assume was the driver of that black Jaguar, out on the pavement, having her clothes torn off in front of heaven and all of God's creation. Trust me, if you had you seen it for yourself, you would have drawn the exact same conclusion.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, I'm sure that I could have jumped to many conclusions, but there's no way to tell for certain unless-

DEBORAH:
And no, if they were after flesh, they were tearing her pants off, there was plenty for them to bite off to begin with, and as far as brains are concerned, she wasn't exactly wearing a hat, they'd have gone for it if they wanted it.

LEROY:
Were they touching her innappropriately?

DEBORAH:
[rolls eyes] Yeah, Leroy, I guess they were.

LEROY:
I mean, you didn't see any romance [short awkward chuckle]. So to speak?

DEBORAH:
Does rape make you laugh, Leroy? Are you getting a giggle out of that?

LEROY:
It makes me nervous. I laugh when I get nervous.

DEBORAH:
It's not funny.

TIMOTHY:
We couldn't agree more, Deborah, but you give the impression that you didn't see an authentic sexual assault?

DEBORAH:
[looking at Timothy] No. [turns head to Leroy] No. I didn't stick around for the 'good parts', you scumbags. Don't test me, it's a sensitive subject.

LEROY:
Oh. Well, I didn't know it was personal.

DEBORAH:
Yeah, well, if you'd been raped in college, you'd know some respect, wouldn't you?

LEROY:
Oh my God, you were raped in college?

TIMOTHY:
[and they actually do feel as though they've crossed a line with her] That's terrible.

DEBORAH:
[takes drag] No, but a friend of mine was.

LEROY:
Oh. [gives a 'nevermind' expression] Pff.

TIMOTHY:
Oh. [scoffs]

[Mabel leaves to go do something at the other end of the bar]

LEROY:
Well, how did you get here from uptown?

DEBORAH:
[bothered that he is still talking to her] Same way you did, I guess [looking at him like he's nobody]. I drove.

LEROY:
No, the two of us live like two blocks from here, we just walked. Not together, but.

TIMOTHY:
Actually, I drove here as well.

LEROY:
[to Timothy] Oh. [to Deborah] I meant what route did you take?

TIMOTHY:
But he's right about the two blocks things, was no trouble. Stacy took off with his car, kinda' left his ass in the dust, so... [little shrug]

LEROY:
She doesn't need to know that.

TIMOTHY:
Hah! Why in the heavens not, Leroy, we have nothing to hide here, we're friends.

LEROY:
Because she doesn't have a soul. [addressing Deborah directly] I'm sorry, Deborah, not to talk about you like you're not here, I'd rather you not know about that because you don't have a soul.

[she looks away from him absently]

DEBORAH:
Well. [takes a sip] I have a car.

TIMOTHY:
Hahahaha, she got ya'.

LEROY:
You see what you did, you see what she's doing?

TIMOTHY:
What is she doing?

LEROY:
She's eating my pain. Eating it with her silver little spoon.

TIMOTHY:
Is that a fact? Hey, how's it taste there, Deborah?

DEBORAH:
I've had better.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, I'll bet you have.

DEBORAH:
You wanna' see how I got here, you can go out and look at the car if you want. Probably the only one you'll ever see, considering, just don't touch it.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, I believe you, Deborah, but we can't help but be curious, us being locals and all.

DEBORAH:
Overall I'd say it was a decent trip. The roads had the odd pile-up here and there, but nothing I couldn't get around. It wasn't until I hit Lakewood that I faced any real danger.

LEROY:
At least you made it, huh?

DEBORAH:
No, Leroy, I didn't 'make it'. My family has a house in Forest Hills that we use for...whatever, I was supposed to 'make it' there. I got to Live Oak and Skillman and there they were, standing around like orphans. The light was red, so without thinking I slowed down, just a force of habit, I guess. And they saw me and I knew. Being polite wasn't going to get through to these fucking people, so I had no choice other than to gun it. The light had turned green anyway.

LEROY:
You ran them over?

DEBORAH:
Split them up is more like it, nobody went under the car.

LEROY:
Same difference.

DEBORAH:
I disagree with that. Anyway, I was so frustrated afterward that I knew that I wasn't going the rest of the way without a cocktail.

LEROY:
It's like two miles away. [he gets up heads back to his stool near the hole]

DEBORAH:
[she looks straight at Leroy] I was severely frustrated. Leroy. Fuck off, the both of you, I didn't come here to explain myself. If you don't mind.

TIMOTHY:
Sorry.

DEBORAH:
Good. I'm glad, I'm glad you are. Now,- [left hand splayed out, fending them off, then back to her thoughts]

[Leroy has been on his stool next to the hole, watching periodically. he's been staring out at Judith off and on, is staring at her now. Timothy minds his own business. Charlie has come in, Mabel makes him a drink]

[shot of Judith outside]

LEROY:
[mutters] Jesus, what pity.

[she looks straight at him]

LEROY:
[he absently waves, as though futile, though polite] Hi.

[she puts her left hand over her left eye]

LEROY:
She's okay, she's okay!

TIMOTHY:
No she isn't.

LEROY:
No, she just did the thing [covers right eye with right hand], the double vision thing, like when she's reading.

TIMOTHY:
No shit, let me see.

LEROY:
Look!

[he sees Judith, among zombies, confused, doing nothing]

TIMOTHY:
I don't see anything. Are you sure?

LEROY:
One hundred percent sure. She's driven me home before, she does it the whole way.

TIMOTHY:
Call her.

MABEL:
Call her, Leroy.

LEROY:
She might not have her phone on her.

MABEL:
So what, try.

[Leroy getting his phone out, still staring out]

MABEL:
Alright?

LEROY:
Alright! Fuck off for a second, I need to think of what to say.

CHARLIE:
Whoa, wait, that might be a bad idea.

[they look at Charlie]

CHARLIE:
If her phone rings, it might draw attention to her.

LEROY:
What?!

CHARLIE:
Like a dog whistle. I'm just saying to be careful.

LEROY:
They all have phones in their pockets, Charlie, and they're ringing over and over again, they don't care.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, you could imagine how worried their mothers are right now. Or bosses, or lovers, who knows, if they aren't answering their own phones, they sure as hell won't bother with hers. Call her, Leroy.

[Leroy's dialing, it's ringing]

[Judith looks in the wrong pocket]

LEROY:
It's vibrating, I can tell.

[she's searching]

LEROY:
She's gettin' there.

[she finds it]

LEROY:
Paydirt. [looks over his shoulder] She's fine, I'm tellin' ya'.

JUDITH:
Hellllo.

LEROY:
Judith, shit, we thought you were in bad shape, come in the bar.

JUDITH:
What?

LEROY:
Judith, it's Leroy-

JUDITH:
Hey. Hi, Leroy.

LEROY:
Hi. You need to get your ass in here before they find out you're just drunk.

JUDITH:
I'm not drunk.

LEROY:
No, Judith, darling you are. You really should come inside.

JUDITH:
I tried the door, it's broken.

LEROY:
Go in through the back, just knock. Oh, but be careful, Charlie's drilling through the door from the other side, so, uhhh...don't get hurt.

JUDITH:
...Ooooookay...

LEROY:
Well, it's settled then; I guess we'll be seeing you momentarily.

JUDITH:
Sure.

LEROY:
Just don't bring any of your little friends with you, this is kind of a VIP affair, so just act cool.

JUDITH:
Alright.

LEROY:
Place is enough of a drag as it is, you know, just move really slow.

JUDITH:
I'm gonna' get off the phone now. [closes her phone sluggishly]

LEROY:
Uph. Okay, goodbye.

MABEL:
What is she doing?

LEROY:
She's comin', she's comin'.

DEBORAH:
How do you know she isn't contaminated?

LEROY:
She isn't fucking contaminated, I just talked to her. She doesn't have a scratch on her, she's fine.

DEBORAH:
Don't color me surprised. She's not exactly the sexiest knife in the drawer [drinks from her vodka tonic], if you catch my drift.

LEROY:
[casually] Hey, Deborah, your asshole is showing.

DEBORAH:
I'm only being honest.

LEROY:
Brutally honest, huh?

DEBORAH:
When I have to be, yes.

LEROY:
[Leroy and Judith are rather close. Leroy turns on his stool, facing Deborah] You know what, Deborah. Do you know who the most honest, the most brutally honest people are? [Deborah looks at him casually, indifferent] Five year olds, that's who, because they have no tact. It's only a pity when they don't grow up to have any.

DEBORAH:
Are you saying that I'm wrong? You don't agree with me?

LEROY:
It doesn't matter if I agree with you.

DEBORAH:
But it's still true.

LEROY:
It doesn't matter if it's true.

DEBORAH:
It doesn't matter if it's true - listen to your sorry ass. [looking back to her drink] Were you surprised when she left you?

LEROY:
What? [darts a look to where Judith is]

DEBORAH:
Were you surprised when Stacy left you today? [sounding it out like he's half stupid]

LEROY:
[looks at her a bit scornfully, but mostly considering Stacy] A little bit, yeah.

DEBORAH:
[completely insensitive]
You're lying, you were entirely surprised, I can tell. If you ask me, she would have fared better as a five year old - she would have had more tact, as you call it. She could have delivered some brutal honesty before she started fucking whatshisface. Maybe she was trying to take it easy on you, spare your feelings. Hell, perhaps you'd have been better off, as a five year old. You could have been more honest with yourself.

TIMOTHY:
So if a man left you without warning, you wouldn't be the least bit shocked?

DEBORAH:
He wouldn't make it that far. [drinks]

TIMOTHY:
No kidding. Any man in particular?

DEBORAH:
Every man in particular.

TIMOTHY:
Oooh-hoo-hoo. Get a load of Deborah.

LEROY:
I've had enough loads of Deborah.

TIMOTHY:
She probably has a neutered beefcake in her basement. In shackles. If I didn't know any better, I'd have-

[Judith walks in]

TIMOTHY:
-hey, Judith.

JUDITH:
[she takes a seat at the back end of the bar, hangs her purse on the back of her stool]
Howdy.

LEROY:
[has gotten up to meet her] You alright?

JUDITH:
Fine. I'm just tired.

DEBORAH
Is that a fact. Charlie! [she gets up, boots klomping to where Judith is sat, Charlie comes in from the back]

CHARLIE:
What?

DEBORAH:
I take it you inspected her before she came in.

CHARLIE:
For what?

DEBORAH:
Bitemarks. Anything at all suspicious about her.

CHARLIE:
[shakes his head, wouldn't have thought to inspect her] No.

DEBORAH:
Don't you suppose that you should? Or someone ought to.

CHARLIE:
I don't know, Deborah, we didn't inspect you for bitemarks.

DEBORAH:
You realize she's been standing around with those perverts outside.

CHARLIE:
Perverts?

LEROY:
Yeah, Charlie, ole' Debbie here thinks-

MABEL:
Whoa!

DEBORAH:
[Deborah darts her head at Leroy, stares him in the eyes, piercing] Don't ever call me Debbie again. [bitch is serious]

[moment of silence, dead quiet]

LEROY:
[feeling singled out, everyone looking at him, save Judith] Okay.

DEBORAH:
Do you understand me?

LEROY:
Yes.

DEBORAH:
Look at my face.

LEROY:
Fine. I understand. Shit.

DEBORAH:
[darts her head back to Charlie] She's been standing out there with those...creatures long enough, just keep-

JUDITH:
I didn't get touched by no one.

DEBORAH:
[scoffs] That may be a fact, although something tells me you wouldn't know if you had. Neverthless, she has had prolonged exposure to them. It would be foolish to think that there might not be consequences. [turning away, going back to her seat] Just keep an eye on her.

CHARLIE:
What do you mean? What does she mean perverts, Mabel?

TIMOTHY:
Well, Deborah is under the impression - [turns to Debbie] you see, I called you Deborah - she's under the impression that their illness is in fact sexually transmitted. Which might pose a problem, because you know as well as I do what goes on in those bathrooms.

MABEL:
Oh, God. [she says this more to herself]

TIMOTHY:
When all is busy.

MABEL:
Yeah, but-

TIMOTHY:
I mean, if she's right, you know - as well as I do - that people often fornicate in the bathroom; both of them, and I mean in the Biblical sense, Mabel.

MABEL:
We don't allow that shit here-

TIMOTHY:
Of course not. Not intentionally.

MABEL:
-but we can't be everywhere all the time.

TIMOTHY:
I knowwww, but...you know. [grimace]

MABEL:
That's why we took the doorknob off the men's room.

LEROY:
Why not the women's room, they knock boots in there all the time.

TIMOTHY:
No they dont, not 'all the time', but - but it happens. [shortly considers] And yeah, actually, why not the women's room? I mean, women are people, too.

MABEL:
Do you remember those queers from last January?

LEROY:
No. [shortly consider] Oh, Mitchell and Tom.

TIMOTHY:
Mitchell and Tom, Leroy.

MABEL:
No, not just Mitchell and Tom, there were about ten of 'em - anyway, things got out of hand real fast, so we took the knob out and they stopped coming.

LEROY:
Whuh, well, what were they doing?

MABEL:
I don't know if they were doing anything, Eddie and his friends kept complaining about the door being locked when they were here, and while they were nice guys, we took the knob out just to be sure there was nothing was going on.

TIMOTHY:
Wait, which Eddie, Fat Eddie or Black Eddie?

MABEL:
Fat Eddie.

LEROY:
But Fat Eddie hates queers, he probably would have said anything.

MABEL:
Hey, every man in this bar lost a doorknob that day, alright, not just them. And whether they simply lost interest in this place or had a guilty conscience perhaps, they stopped coming by.

LEROY:
Huh, just like that.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, I always wondered what happened to them.

MABEL:
Well, now you know. They hang out at The Yankee now, the one on Fitzhugh.

LEROY:
Ohhhhhh.

MABEL:
You can visit them whenever you like.

TIMOTHY:
Whatever, it doesn't matter, you know people have been up to no good in those bathrooms, with or without them.

LEROY:
Oh, easily.

MABEL:
Are you saying that what those people have out there is in our bathroom?

LEROY:
Well, Deborah's the big expert here - Deborah? You're thoughts?

[they all look to Deborah]

DEBORAH:
[huffs, puts her drink down] I strongly doubt that anything short of actual sexual contact would make much of a difference, and considering this has only been going on the past day or so, it isn't likely any two people could have gotten much done within that time, it's been too busy here, wouldn't you say, Mabel?

MABEL:
Yeah, it's been way too packed.

DEBORAH:
I would imagine that in order to copulate, and I mean enough to spread an illness, a window of opportunity would require at least one bare minute, by my watch. Although the way people breed these days, who knows how much less time could be settled for? Overall, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

TIMOTHY:
You wanna' check it out, Mabel? I'll come with you.

[Mabel considers]

DEBORAH:
Oh sure, you'll be a great help. You should send him in alone, Mabel, don't risk yourself.

LEROY:
She's right, Mabel, it would be for the best. If he comes out sick, we can just take him outside and Deborah can run him over with her car.

TIMOTHY:
Nah, I'll go in first. Do you have a can of disinfectant handy?

MABEL:
I'll get one.

[she heads to the kitchen]

LEROY:
If you see a severed nipple on a coat hanger, you know what to do, right?

TIMOTHY:
Please, we'll be lucky to find a torn condom.

LEROY:
Maybe you'll get lucky. You'll probably find some strangled hooker from 1997. She'll have a wig full of kitty litter and drywall.

TIMOTHY:
Hahaha, all bunched up. [crinkling his arms]

LEROY:
That's right, if you take off that leather miniskirt, just dust it off, baby. It'll be as good as new.

MABEL:
[she's back] Timothy, don't talk to him.

TIMOTHY:
I'm kinda' psyched now.

LEROY:
Me too, can I come.

MABEL:
No. [to Timothy] Come on.

LEROY:
You'd better go.

[he heads to the bathroom with Mabel, in front of her]

LEROY:
[shouts to them] Bring me back something.

[from inside the women's restroom. Timothy pokes his head in]

TIMOTHY:
[he sniffs] That smells like raspberry. Is that raspberry?

MABEL:
No it isn't, move. [she pokes her head in] [mutters] It's lavender.

[for reference, there is an Ansel Adams print on one of the walls]

[they stare in for a moment]

TIMOTHY:
So what is it that we're supposed to be looking for?

MABEL:
I don't know, signs of a struggle.

TIMOTHY:
It's a toilet, Mabel, all anybody ever does on a toilet is struggle.

MABEL:
Signs of sexual intercourse. [looking at him, frustrated]

TIMOTHY:
Hmm [looks to his right at the wall], ah, here we go [reading something some chick (?) wrote on the wall] "i Blue chad hear". It even has a handy little arrow, see? In case there was any confusion, God knows it makes perfect sense. To me.

[the arrow points to the sink. she looks there, sprays toward that area]

TIMOTHY:
Hah. Hah. Hah. Good thing you had - good thing ya' had a lock on the little ladies' room so that Chad could get blown by [looks at the scribble] Emily Dickinson, what does that look like to you?

MABEL:
I don't get it, we don't have a Chad.

TIMOTHY:
Well, not anymore, but ya' did. Somebody had a Chad, and it was obviously worth writing about. You can tell by the big bold letters that she takes pride in her work. I wish she'd have left a number, I'm bored enough, I'd dial it. You know what, I bet Mitchell and Tom would be doubly disappointed with what goes on in this-

MABEL:
Stop talking.

TIMOTHY:
-this lurid [tries to say something smarter, but gives up] ladies' room. If I'd known, I'd have stopped coming here, too.

MABEL:
We need locks, Leroy, we have our dignity.

TIMOTHY:
I'd have stopped coming here a long time ago. I mean, how filthy.

MABEL:
[looking around] Besides, it's a more vulnerable state for us, not like you do. Believe me, I've seen the men's room far too many times. [standing back, looking in, judging] And I tell you this, I didn't have enough respect for janitors when I was a child. If I had my way, I wouldn't bother with a toilet at all, or a sink, none of you disgusting little boys barely use either. I'd rather clean up after horses. If I had my way, I'd dig a deep pit right in the middle of the floor and nothing but that. [stops sprating] But who am I kidding, one of you fuckers would just fall into it. And that's on a good night.

TIMOTHY:
If you dug it deep enough, it wouldn't matter. You could just leave 'em down there.

MABEL:
[laughs a small bit]

TIMOTHY:
Mabel, I'm agreeing with you. All you'd have to do is throw some lye on them, that would be simple enough.

MABEL:
You're right. Lye would be the answer.

TIMOTHY:
And a damn good one - are we done here? Really, if we had anything to worry about, it would already be too late, don't you think?

MABEL:
I don't care, go do the men's. [hands him the can, walks off]

[he comes out, turns to the men's restroom door, hole in it from having no doorknob, contemplates, sprays through the hole heavily and walks back to the bar]

TIMOTHY:
[he comes back, Vanessa is behind the bar making a shot] Where did you come from?

VANESSA:
I've been here.

TIMOTHY:
No you haven't, I've been here, I'd have seen you.

LEROY:
She was on the roof, Timothy.

TIMOTHY:
The roof?

VANESSA:
Yes.

TIMOTHY:
But, why?

VANESSA:
I'm right here, Timothy.

TIMOTHY:
[wanting to show that he is happy to see Vanessa, wanting there to be no mistake] No. No, it's great to see you, Vanessa [he goes over, they hug, happen to be very good friends]. I just - where did you come from?

VANESSA:
I was on the roof, Leroy.

TIMOTHY:
Were you sniping?

VANESSA:
[shakes her head, eyes closed] No. I wasn't sniping. They're better off where they are.

TIMOTHY:
No they're not.

VANESSA:
Yes they are.

TIMOTHY:
They're the undead, Vanessa, it'd be an act of mercy. I mean, they're gonna' get shot one way or the other.

VANESSA:
Yeah, when the cavalry comes, but the cavalry ain't fuckin' here. And when they do show up, they can shoot 'em all day long for all I care, but 'my' bullets were paid for out of 'my' pocket, my tax dollars paid for 'their' bullets, so I can afford to be patient. [lifting her shot to her mouth] I got all day.

LEROY:
So where's your gun? Can I see it?

[they look at her]

VANESSA:
No, you can't.

LEROY:
But you have it?

VANESSA:
Yeah, I have a few.

TIMOTHY:
Well, where are they?

VANESSA:
They're concealed. And for good reason, you do not want to see a gun in my hands. You'd better pray that things don't go that far South. Whatever you might think of them outside - a man or a woman with a hole in them...it isn't charming.

LEROY:
Ah, too bad you weren't here earlier, Vanessa, you could have taken care of the door.

VANESSA:
What?

TIMOTHY:
It's cool, Charlie's got it handled.

LEROY:
The peephole was too high.

[she looks at Leroy, back at Timothy, puzzled]

LEROY:
In the door.

TIMOTHY:
Don't listen to him - so what gives? [to clarify] What gives on the roof, I mean?

VANESSA:
What do you think, I'm keeping watch.

TIMOTHY:
But why, it's too hot, better yet on the roof.

VANESSA:
If you knew any better you'd thank me, be thanking me.

TIMOTHY:
For what?

VANESSA:
[put off] For keeping you alive, that's what. I'm the only reason there's any sense of precaution in this fucking place, you included.

TIMOTHY:
Precaution? I'd have thought that this would have come across as rather unexpected, to be honest.

VANESSA:
Yeah, you would have thought that, sure. That's what seperates people like me from people like you, Tim. People like me see shit coming. People like you live at the mercy of people like us that see shit coming. By my account, I was ready. And you're welcome.

TIMOTHY:
How could you have seen this coming? Aside from some fucking superstition, could you imagine you were the least bit paranoid?

VANESSA:
To hell with paranoid, I was right, wasn't I? I wouldn't consider your doubt to mean much of anything. By all accounts, you are a pussy and you are a pawn. At best, you're a customer.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, I know that Vanessa. [considers] Why don't you just kill them? There's only about twenty of them out there. It's not like it would put you out.

VANESSA:
If that barricade comes down, you'd be the first bitching that I'm short about twenty bullets - where's my lighter?

LEROY:
Here. [hands it to her]

VANESSA:
Thanks - and I tell you what [directed back at Timothy], I'll go up there and blow their heads right off, and after this has all washed over, you can go outside and clean up all of the clumps of bone and hair off of the sidewalk. Messes like that don't go away easy, I assure you.

LEROY:
Oh, I couldn't pick up pieces of bone...[shudders]

VANESSA:
Funny you should say that-

LEROY:
That's a tall order, pieces of skull, I'd vomit.

VANESSA:
-I wouldn't be able to handle the clumps of hair.

LEROY:
Nah, I'm good with hair. Pity you can't blow them apart separately somehow. The bone and the hair, I mean - how's you marksmanship?

VANESSA:
Doesn't matter, it's not going to happen, so-

LEROY
Your markswomanship-

VANESSA:
Pff, I've been hunting since I was a little girl.

LEROY:
Awww, with your Dad?

TIMOTHY:
Adorable.

VANESSA:
No, with my mother. Papa was always overseas.

TIMOTHY:
To hell with the barricade anyway, if you shot them, then the barricade wouldn't come down in the first place. Why can't you just do it now?

VANESSA:
Doesn't matter.

TIMOTHY:
It's simple logic.

VANESSA:
Timothy. It's not going to happen.

LEROY:
Probably for the best anyway. I mean, she would have shot Judith, and after the autopsy, we would have all felt like fools.

JUDITH:
You were going to shoot me?

LEROY:
No, Judith, don't listen to them.

TIMOTHY:
At worst, Vanessa would be charged with criminally negligent homicide. It just ain't worth it.

VANESSA:
Well, I say let them bang [looking at the barricade]. It took over two hours to put it up, may as well get some use out of it before it's over with. If that happens, kill them, put it back up. It comes down, kill them, put it up again, it's more simple than you think. But I'm not killing anything unless the situation calls for it. I refuse to be some random murderer.

DEBORAH:
[to Vanessa] That being said, the jury's still out on Judith. The situation might already be calling for it, you know.

VANESSA:
[looks at Deborah sharply] She's fine.

JUDITH:
I'm fine. [drunk, defiant]

DEBORAH:
I certainly hope you are, Judith. [would kill her instantly, without guilt. she is armed, but the gun is never seen nor mentioned] I'm just saying, if she- [turns her head to Judith] - with all due respect, if you take a turn for the worst, we'll have to put you back outside. It's for your safety as well as ours.

JUDITH:
Deborah, that sounds like a management decision. You, as a customer, do not make those here, so...

LEROY:
Yeah, so how do you like that, Deborah?

[Deborah just looks at Leroy, shows no emotion, looks away, silent, indifferent]

JUDITH:
I gotta' go to the ladies room, if you'll excuse me [grabs her cigarettes, gets up].

TIMOTHY:
Go for it, Judith, Mabel sprayed it real good.

[Judith looks at him, confused]

TIMOTHY:
With disinfectant, she sprayed it with disinfectant.

JUDITH:
Oh. [still doesn't understand nor care] Watch my purse. [she walks off]

[they watch her leave]

TIMOTHY:
So how's the roof?

VANESSA:
Hot.

TIMOTHY:
I know that, no shit, of course it's hot.

VANESSA:
No. You think you know, but you don't. It could be worse I guess, but not by much. I have an umbrella, so instead of scorching in the 'direct' sun, I just broil under a fucking umbrella. I'm staying hydrated, but believe me, with as many people out there in fear of nightfall, I say for Christ's sake bring on the darkness.

LEROY:
So what's up there again, aside from the artillery and ammunition? You don't 'have' to be up there, do you?

VANESSA:
[wrinkles forehead] Boys...when you were coming here, did you notice anything that other places didn't have in common with this one? Anything out of the ordinary?

LEROY:
[pause] Zzzzzzzzzombies?

VANESSA:
Yes, zombies, Leroy, but what else?

TIMOTHY:
Well, you're open.

VANESSA:
That's right, we're the only place open, but why?

LEROY:
What, Why?

VANESSA:
No, better yet, how?

LEROY:
How?!

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, how! And sometimes why.

VANESSA:
Electricity, we have electricity. Jesus.

LEROY:
For fuck's sake, Vanessa, I'm sorry, this isn't every day, how should I know? I don't think about where electricity comes from, I've always been on the grid, I mean, that's where we come from, we come from the grid.

TIMOTHY:
You have a generator.

VANESSA:
Yes.

TIMOTHY:
On the roof.

VANESSA:
Of course it's on the roof, where else would it be?

LEROY:
Search me, maybe some place where we wouldn't be burned alive. If it were to explode. Some place like that. In fact, that would be the best place.

VANESSA:
Don't worry about it.

LEROY:
Why wouldn't I worry about it - it's rather tough...drinking under a fucking bomb.

TIMOTHY:
Explosive device.

LEROY:
It's-

VANESSA:
No.

LEROY:
-if that thing goes off-

VANESSA:
It's not on the Cock & Bull, it's on the The Philly Cheesesteak place next door. On their roof.

TIMOTHY:
Huh. And you had no trouble negotiating that?

VANESSA:
We didn't have to, we did it at night.

TIMOTHY:
And they had no objection to this?

VANESSA:
They wouldn't have known to have an objection.

TIMOTHY:
But if they had known.

VANESSA:
They don't know.

TIMOTHY:
But isn't that against the law?

VANESSA:
I don't know anything about no law. I barely have a high school diploma.

LEROY:
But, it's still dangerous.

VANESSA:
Not as dangerous. We'd have time to get out of here if everything went awry, and [chuckles] I wouldn't rule that out.

[they look at her, wide-eyed]

VANESSA:
It's an old machine.

LEROY:
Shouldn't you have gotten a newer one?

VANESSA:
Nope. The newer ones are regulated differently. They make them too small these days, they're supposed to be safer, so we had to go down to South Central to get a real one.

TIMOTHY:
How old is it?

VANESSA:
It's from somewhere around the 70's, but it holds a ton. You don't see that anymore, I assure you.

LEROY:
That doesn't comfort me at all.

VANESSA:
Well then I'd recommend the dark, comfortable, hot bar down the street. Go enjoy yourself and you're welcome, by the way.

TIMOTHY:
Were they at least safe in the 70's?

VANESSA:
I don't know. But it holds the most gasoline, and that's what we needed. Hell, it might even be safer.

LEROY:
Yeah, they regulated them because they were already safer, just to be pricks.

VANESSA:
It's happened before. [lights a cigarette] In all likelihood, some asshole in 1981 didn't know how to use a gas generator, and it blew up and killed him, and then some other asshole decided that if they were smaller they'd be less dangerous, so he put it into law. Probably seemed like a great idea at the time, and all because some idiot was too incompetent to use what was perfectly adequate before. Hell, if he were alive today and using one of the safer ones, it would still blow up and it would still fucking kill him. That's his burden. Not mine - and why am I standing here explaining myself to you - you feel that air - turn around - look up.

[Leroy turns around]

VANESSA:
Up. The vent, look at it - look at it! You feel the cool air coming out of that. You don't, do you?

LEROY:
[smirking] I feel it.

VANESSA:
I am sweating my ass off so that that happens. [sneering-like] For you.

TIMOTHY:
Must be one hell of a generator.

VANESSA:
Damn straight it is. We had that fucked winter last year - back in January, the snow took out half the neighborhood, including The Lakewood Landing. We never heard the end of it, they did nothing but gripe. And you guys didn't have electricity for days.

LEROY:
Three days, to be exact. Three and a half days if I really wanted to bitch, but I'll number it down to three.

VANESSA:
The Landing had a generator and it was only enough to keep the lights on and the taps working. The kitchen being functional was already out of the question. And even then, even at so low a temperature, the place was as hot as a sauna inside, they had to leave the doors open. Maybe not a sauna, but it was stuffy.

TIMOTHY:
Could you run the kitchen if you wanted to?

VANESSA:
I don't know, we haven't tried, and we're not going to, we've got enough going on. The walk-in is still running but I can't promise that'll be going on for long.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, you are awfully resourceful. Did I ever tell you that Branch Davidians make me horny?

VANESSA:
I don't know what those are, and no, you never told me.

TIMOTHY:
Well, they certainly could have used you. And Robert had no problem with this, ponying up the dough for that shit up there?

VANESSA:
You know Robert. He had the money, got a real laugh out of it at the time. I called him earlier, and guess what, he didn't laugh one time, not once. Shits and giggles aside.

TIMOTHY:
I have got to see this generator.

LEROY:
I'd like to see it, too.

VANESSA:
No, you can't see the firearms and you can't see the generator; you aren't an employee and this is not a playground. So no.

TIMOTHY:
But, you do have a firearm on you, right? Currently?

LEROY:
Of course she does.

TIMOTHY:
I mean, Deborah's kinda' right, if Judith comes out acting...you know, wacky, something oughtta' be done, God bless her.

VANESSA:
It's not my responsibility, if you wanna' do it then do it yourself.

LEROY:
But I don't have a gun.

VANESSA:
You've got two hands, don't you?

LEROY:
Well, I don't want to brutalize her.

TIMOTHY:
Unless you mean like choking the life out of her, which would still be...[winces a bit] too manual. [shrugs] For my taste, I mean.

LEROY:
She doesn't mean beating her to death, Timothy, more like a mercy choke. I'm not sure if I'd be up for either. I went fishing with my father a few times when I was a kid, and even when I caught one, when I was holding it, it would flop around in my hands and I would just flip out.

TIMOTHY:
Judith isn't a fish.

LEROY:
I'm not saying she's a fish, I'm saying - what I'm saying is that even with a fish, I couldn't.

VANESSA:
[scrutinizing him] You'd never hit a woman, would you?

LEROY:
[considers, looking up, and with a sense of regret] No.

VANESSA:
Good, because it-

LEROY:
But!

VANESSA:
[pause] But what?

LEROY:
If she stabbed me...I'd have to punch her in the face.

TIMOTHY:
I'm gonna' have to side with Leroy on this one; it's all courtship until some crazy bitch tries to cut you up.

LEROY:
Yeah, all bets are off at that point.

TIMOTHY:
And I'd punch Judith right in the forehead [punches hisself lightly in the forehead, makes a fart sound with it].

LEROY:
But as you'd said, only if she pulled a knife and not because I wanted to.

TIMOTHY:
Of course not; it's a shame that such things should ever be necessary.

VANESSA:
It shouldn't ever be necessary. If people practiced a little more discipline and had more sense, we wouldn't be in this situation.

LEROY:
[Leroy reacting off of "Stacy and the car" from earlier] What situation?

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, which one?

VANESSA:
[put off] This one. [pause] I'm going back up. [huffs] The autumn would have been a better time for this.

LEROY:
You're right, it would have.

[she looks at him]

LEROY:
And thank you, I mean thank you.

TIMOTHY:
Thanks, Vanessa. [sincere]

VANESSA:
You're welcome, Timothy.

[Vanessa turns, moves on, leaves]

DEBORAH:
She's right, though. I have nothing but pity for people that are surprised by this. For over a year now, those of us in the know have had a sinking feeling and I'm pleased to know it was more than justified.

LEROY:
Who is those of us?

DEBORAH:
I just hope you're happy for getting Obama in office. [replace Obama with name of current president as years pass, it doesn't matter]

LEROY:
Yeah, that's right, Deborah, Obama brought on the zombie apocolypse.

DEBORAH:
I just find it awfully funny that all of this is happening now.

LEROY:
[pauses, looks at her a short moment, brow furrowed] Wouldn't it have always seemed kind of funny? Deborah?

DEBORAH:
[sucks down the rest of her drink] To hell with this, I'm leaving.

TIMOTHY:
Aww, that sucks, we were just starting to enjoy each other's company, don't go.

LEROY:
Yeah, didn't you say you had pressing matters in Forest Hills. It's probably best for you not to dither.

DEBORAH:
Listen you little faggot-

LEROY:
I'm 5'9.

DEBORAH:
-I'll go whereever I damn please.

LEROY:
[leans in a little] I'll tell you where you can go...Debbie.

[she throws her remaining ice and slice of lime on him, preferably in the face, but puts the glass down carefully. he wipes it off of him with his hand. he licks his palm]

DEBORAH:
[grabbing her things] I'm off to the house, Mabel. [reaching into her purse]

MABEL:
Don't worry, I got this.

DEBORAH:
[to Mabel] Thank you, I appreciate it. [she looks at Leroy and Timothy as though they're nothing] [putting glasses on] You know, it's a shame about Stacy, I always liked her. Her new boyfriend is a lucky man. But hell, who knows? In this modern world, it could be a post-op transsexual.

TIMOTHY:
Don't listen to her, Leroy, she was just leaving.

[she wasn't listening, she has already started walking out, boots klomping]

TIMOTHY:
Via con dios, Deborah. Have fun driving your bloody, beat up piece of shit car around town. We love it.

LEROY:
Yeah, why don't you take your sorry ass back to whatever Nazi museum you got those boots from.

DEBORAH:
[she stops, turns back, looks square at him] [the boots are knee-high, tan leather] These boots cost 3,000 dollars.

TIMOTHY:
What, do they charge by the decibel?

[Leroy and Timothy laugh together, just laugh at her]

DEBORAH:
[walking out, to Mabel] I'll call you.

[exit Deborah]

LEROY:
Bye, Deborah.

TIMOTHY:
Later on, Deborah. Tell Goebbles we said what's up. [pause] Too bad she didn't stick around, she could have shown us her bra made out of bald eagles.

LEROY:
How does she even get those boots on?

TIMOTHY:
Probably two little slave children, one for each foot. They live under her mattress.

LEROY:
I bet it's quite a feet.

TIMOTHY:
[turning away] Yeah.

LEROY:
Did ya' hear that? Quite a feet?

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, I did. [allowing the joke to die]

MABEL:
You'd be wise not to fuck with her.

TIMOTHY:
Why? She dishes it out she gets it back is my philosophy. You weren't around for her tormenting poor Leroy here, it was cruel. In fact, it's definitely a shame she didn't stick around, maybe she could have introduced you to her college friend. [laughs]

MABEL:
What college friend?

LEROY:
Nothing, Mabel, he's just being a dickhead. [to Timothy] You don't know this woman, for all you know-

MABEL:
What college friend?

TIMOTHY:
We have no idea

LEROY:
Sure, we have no idea, but you could show a little respect. If you'd been through that, you'd have a-

MABEL:
What college friend?

LEROY:
[huffs] I don't know her name, Mabel, Deborah had mentioned earlier that the people out there were in fact spreading their illness through [lowers his voice a little] sexual assault, Timothy and I had made a few...perhaps insensitive statements and, uh...due to one of Deborah's friends having been raped in college, she took offense, so-

MABEL:
What?

LEROY:
-kinda' one of those foot in the mouth moments.

MABEL:
[laughs] That's such bullshit.

TIMOTHY:
And you know she had that rapist killed, Mabel, you've met her. What was she, nineteen at the time, could you imagine what she was like back then? It's simple math, that fucker is dead.

MABEL:
Timothy. It didn't happen. She was just making shit up to win an argument with you, that's what Debbie does.

LEROY:
I thought you couldn't call her Debbie.

MABEL:
I can call her Debbie. You can't call her Debbie.

TIMOTHY:
So it isn't true at all.

MABEL:
It doesn't matter if it's true to people like Debbie, she won the argument. I mean, winning isn't the only thing to her, but it's more important than honesty. So yes, she lied. Have you ever heard of plausible deniability?

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, I guess so.

LEROY:
How do you know she lied, you weren't even here.

MABEL:
For one, Debbie and I go way back, if she'd had a friend that got raped in college, I'd have known, she'd have told me. For another, if Deborah wanted to wreak vengeance on you, she wouldn't have you killed. She'd call one of her father's friends. The next day the police would find an eight ball of cocaine in your grandmother's purse. She'd die before she got out of prison.

LEROY:
Oh! Well, I'm glad that you informed us of this, Mabel, just in time to piss her off to no end. I could have settled for a warning.

MABEL:
You didn't piss her off to no end.

LEROY:
Really? You mean she throws drinks in people's faces for yuks?

MABEL:
Actually, yes, she does. She told you herself, she was in a good mood today.

TIMOTHY:
I don't remember her saying that. [to Leroy] What do you care anyway?

LEROY:
I don't want my Nanna to go to prison.

TIMOTHY:
And what warning did you need, Leroy, she'd murdered a handful of people before she got here.

LEROY:
But not my family. [mutter] I mean, nothing personal.

TIMOTHY:
And you know she was armed. Her clothes were tight, but make no mistake, she was holding. As far as family, I'm not the least bit worried, she can go fuck herself. My Grandma Kitty passed on a long time ago, and even when she was alive, she had a terrible case of the Alzheimer's. You coulda' stuck her in the Hanoi Hilton and she'd have thought she was on The Price is Right or something.

[Charlie has come back in]

LEROY:
What about the other one?

TIMOTHY:
The other what?

LEROY:
Well, where I come from, Timothy, human beings (like you and I) have two grandmothers.

TIMOTHY:
Oh, Grandma Charlene?

LEROY:
Unless you're a test tube baby or something.

CHARLIE:
Actually, test tube babies still have two grandmothers. Technically.

LEROY:
[looks at Charlie, a bit surprised] Huh. No shit.

TIMOTHY:
My Grandma Charlene will be fine, she lives in Oregon. Deborah - no - Debbie - Debbie can talk all the shit she wants, she isn't nearly as impressive as she makes out. If she were a gangster's moll instead of some rich bitch, maybe, but her bad ain't that dad ass.

LEROY:
[confused as to what he just said]

TIMOTHY:
Her bad isn't - goddammit.

LEROY AND TIMOTHY:
[Leroy gets it, they say it together] Her dad ain't that badass.

LEROY:
There ya' go, you're doing great.

MABEL:
She wouldn't bother with either of you. It'd be a waste of her time.

TIMOTHY:
Whuh - why wouldn't she go after 'our' familes, we're as good as anybody.

MABEL:
No you're not, not to her. You'd have to do something terrible. Otherwise, you're a couple of dead hookers in a ditch, really. [pours a shot] She wouldn't waste enough time to hide you in a culvert. [does her shot]

LEROY:
Oh, listen to Miss Fancy. You know, it isn't too lonely here at the bottom of the totem pole, Mabel. It isn't just us guys.

MABEL:
You're not even at the bottom, you're the part of the totem pole that's buried in the ground.

LEROY:
What about you, who are you?

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, pour me a drink when you're done with what you're saying.

MABEL:
[smiles] No, not to me, to Debbie. I'm not one to judge. Debbie's just of a different set is all. Why do you think she even comes here? For your company?

LEROY:
I thought maybe there was a chance that that was why. What of it?

TIMOTHY:
And if she's so high class, what is she hanging around with the likes of you for? No offense.

MABEL:
None taken - we grew up together. We were best friends in high school, [doing tasks about the bar, absently] drove some majorettes to suicide about fifteen years ago.

TIMOTHY:
But Mabel, Deborah is rich and...you're not.

MABEL:
Deborah's not rich, she's wealthy, there's a difference. 'My' family was rich.

TIMOTHY:
What's the difference.

MABEL:
The difference? Well, typically, people are rich within their lifetime. But people are wealthy within somebody else's, if that makes any sense.

LEROY:
Not really, Mabel, but I bet you're right.

MABEL:
Of course I'm right.

TIMOTHY:
Well, what happened to you; I mean, your family? Did they disown you? For being a bartender?

MABEL:
We lost our money is what happened.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, but how?

MABEL:
[cutting bar fruit, lemons and limes]
I don't know, Leroy, I was seventeen, parents don't exactly explain that kinda' shit to their kids. In fact, I think they held out for as long as they could in telling us. Even then, they never really told us why. I could only assume it was a bad investment, poor timing, or shit happens. It's easy to stop being rich. When times are good, it's easy to forget that even that is beyond your control. It's good while it lasts [takes a drink of a vodka soda] for it's own reasons, but at that age I was already trying to distance myself from all of that, anyway. It's hard for an eighteen year old girl to assert her independence after she pulls up in a Lexus. Kinda' hard to believe, you know, so I guess it worked out that we went broke. By that time I couldn't have afforded to act like a duchess if I'd wanted to, and admittedly, if we still had the money, [considers] I might have reconsidered.

TIMOTHY:
Did you have 3,000 dollar boots?

MABEL:
No. But, I did have 1,000 dollar boots.

LEROY:
[exasperated] But why?

MABEL:
Why what?

LEROY:
What the - Mabel - how the fuck is a pair or boots worth 3,000 dollars?

TIMOTHY:
Or 1,000 dollars?

LEROY:
Or 1,000 dollars, thank you...for that matter.

MABEL:
They're worth 3,000 dollars because they cost 3,000 dollars.

LEROY:
But, dammit, please Mabel, why do they cost 3,000 dollars, you're not making any sense?

MABEL:
[cutting bar fruit]
I'm making perfect sense; you just don't understand me. Listen, it wouldn't matter if her boots were made out of rust, if they cost 3,000 dollars, Deborah's gonna' buy them; and she's gonna' wear them, too. You see, the cost determines the value, not the other way around. And she doesn't have to worry about anyone walking in with the same pair of boots on because they're priced in such a way that she's the only one in the room that can afford them, it knocks out the competition. Even if they look like shit, she can always fall back on them costing 3,000 dollars and being beyond your means, unless you stole them. And if you showed her the same damn boots and said you got them for 2,000 dollars, it's already over. You may as well have bought them from a pawn shop or swap meet, some fucking flea market where you found another woman's used pair of piece of shit boots. You'd be better off in moccasins.

LEROY:
Or sandals like Jesus.

MABEL:
Or sandals like Jesus.

TIMOTHY:
It must be so exhausting to live that way.

MABEL:
Ah, for some it is; not for her. It has its share of burdens, all luxury aside, but when that kind of pressure is all you've ever known, you don't give it much thought. I mean, on the other hand, if you've been broke your whole life, you've got a whole different set of burdens to take for granted, problems you never realized ya' had.

TIMOTHY:
Well, you made out alright, huh?

MABEL:
Didn't have much of a choice, but I suppose I could have faked it for awhile. Regardless, it was evident a long time ago that I wasn't really 'one of them', nor was I ever going to be, not like Debbie. That's olllllllld money. The difference between you and her, ultimately, is that she wants for things, and you need for them. Anything short of the system falling apart entirely, she ain't ever gonna' know the actual retail price of a gallon of milk. Or gasoline. Anything.

TIMOTHY:
But, isn't the whole system falling apart entirely?

MABEL:
Oh, that's a crock of shit, no it isn't.

TIMOTHY:
You don't think so?

MABEL:
No, I don't think so.

LEROY:
These people are horny and anxious, Mabel.

MABEL:
I don't care what they are, they'll get a life eventually and move on just like anybody else. [stops, looks up at them] I've been hearing about the end of times my whole life, and always by people that can't stand the thought of everything being perfectly fine without them. [goes back to cutting] And nearly every one of them is dead and forgotten, so I guess they were wasting their time. They're as irrelevant now as we're going to be after we move on and die already. In the meantime, nothing is remarkable. I'm gonna' end my shift, close this bar down, those assholes outside will get tired...and disperse, and come midnight, Debbie and I will be in Forest Hills, getting stoned and watching Doris Day movies.

LEROY:
But what about tomorrow?

MABEL:
I have off tomorrow.

TIMOTHY:
And why does she even hang out with you anymore, aren't you tainted-

MABEL:
Who, Debbie?

TIMOTHY:
-or substandard? Somehow?

MABEL:
We have an understanding.

TIMOTHY:
What understanding?

MABEL:
Mutual respect, Timothy, it's too late for her to look down on me, you wouldn't understand.

TIMOTHY:
Your understanding? No, I don't understand it.

LEROY:
You're giving me a headache.

MABEL:
Well then I'd suggest you stop asking questions. Do you want another? [she means a drink] I have to head to the back.

LEROY:
Yeah. I'm going to mosey my way to that booth over yonder, do you have a newspaper?

MABEL:
[pouring two drinks, put them down whenever before you leave] Which one?

LEROY:
I don't know, any one I guess.

MABEL:
They're out front.

LEROY:
Out front?

MABEL:
Yep, [points to barricade] right on the other side. Knock yourself out.

LEROY:
I can't go out there.

MABEL:
Don't limit yourself, Leroy, you can do whatever you put your mind to. I tell you what, though, if you manage to get your hands on one, could you be a dear and grab one for me, too. It can get awfully boring here during the day.

LEROY:
Ah, shit, Mabel, why didn't you just bring them inside to begin with, it's not like they need them.

MABEL:
It all came on rather suddenly, Leroy, we were kinda' in a hurry. I'm not gonna' risk getting felt up by total strangers just so I can read a newspaper.

LEROY:
Oh, but you'd let me?

MABEL:
Let you? I'm not your mother, you can do whatever you like.

TIMOTHY:
And you can cut the rape nonsense, she's not here anymore.

MABEL:
How do you know it's nonsense? I trust her more than I trust you.

LEROY:
Ugh, do you at least have something to read?

MABEL:
[she looks over her shoulder to a shelf behind her. there are three books. The Fountainhead, War and Peace, and The Bartender's Bible]
Sure. We have Ayn Rand, Tolstoy, and The Bartender's Bible.

LEROY:
You're kidding. That's it?

MABEL:
That's right. If you don't like what we have to offer, tough.

LEROY:
Don't you have anything a little shorter, like a magazine? I'd be better off with an actual Bible.

MABEL:
We have a menu. We can't make you anything, but you can read it. We used to have magazines, but people stole them, so that's all we have. If you'd like to file a complaint, I'll be in the back not giving - I can't even tell you how little I care about your problems.

LEROY:
You work for tips don't you.

MABEL:
[she glares at him, leans in] Ohhhhhhhh, you're gonna tip me. You're gonna' tip me like you've never tipped before. You try to leave this place without doing so, I'll call my father. To hell with connections, he'll just show up and kick the shit out of you. Watching that would be tip enough.

TIMOTHY:
Are you channeling Debbie? I mean, Deborah? Is this what she does to you?

MABEL:
I wouldn't worry about who does what to me [hooks thumb at herself, turns to the shelf, grabs a book] Here, read The Fountainhead, I heard it's good.

LEROY:
No.

MABEL:
[she plops the book down in front of him]
Take the goddamn book. I have responsibilities out back, so this is what you get. Drink your crap and don't touch anything.
[she leaves the bar, heads to the back]

LEROY:
[getting up, grabbing the book] I bet she has a tall father. With big arms. [picks his drink up, heads to the hole] Has a speech impediment and wears overalls.

TIMOTHY:
She's bluffing. They're all bluffing [getting his drink]
[Timothy goes to the booth, grabbing a menu first. he has it in front of him until Tami arrives, and spends much of the time reading it, to pass the time.]

LEROY:
God, I wish she was. She's too correct for my taste, frankly. If she wanted my ass kicked, she'd just do it herself.

TIMOTHY:
Nah, man, you could take her.

LEROY:
No, I'm afraid not. I haven't had any fight in me since I lost that fight when I was fifteen.

TIMOTHY:
What about the other ones, did you win those?

LEROY:
No, I just ran from the other ones.

TIMOTHY:
God, that's horrible, where's your dignity?

LEROY:
You know what actually, I think I left it in my trunk. I'll be damned [grabs his drink, goes to the hole]. I just wish they'd hurry the hell up and get this over with. I feel like I'm in purgatory.

TIMOTHY:
I could get used to this, if you asked me. And you've got it all backwards, you wanna' go to purgatory, this isn't purgatory, the purgatory's out there. Now, if you wanna' go to hell (and you're going to go), you just be sure to stick around. Vanessa's great big tank of gasoline will be with you shortly.

LEROY:
Nah, she's got it handled. She's outdoorsy.

TIMOTHY:
Outdoorsy? She's probably smoking a Cuban cigar next to that damn thing. She's got it easy, too, the explosion will kill her instantly. And here you are obsessing over those wimps, you're pathetic. In fact, could you please sit down, I'm sick of watching you do that. Eavesdropping is for losers.

LEROY:
[getting off the stool, still looking out] Yeah.

TIMOTHY:
I mean, I know you're gonna' to be a spinster soon enough, but there's no need for you to rush things.

LEROY:
You're right, though, they're not even hitting it that hard. Whatever it is they're after, the least they could do is show a little ambition.

TIMOTHY:
Maybe all they want is a drink.

LEROY:
People don't tear off women's clothes at intersections because they want a drink, if they wanted a drink they'd be tearing off their own clothes.

TIMOTHY:
Leroy, I don't think they play by Mardi Gras rules. And Lent was months ago, anyway.

LEROY:
Well, not everybody observes Lent, you know.

TIMOTHY:
Yes, I know that, could you please sit the fuck down.
[Leroy makes it halfway across the bar, turns back to the barricade]

LEROY:
You think we should close the hole?

TIMOTHY:
What difference does it make, you'll only end up opening it again - and besides, we'll need to look out in case we see somebody we want to call on the phone.

LEROY:
I don't think that's likely.

TIMOTHY:
It was likely enough the first time, wasn't it? Wait a minute, where the hell is Judith?

LEROY:
She's right there [points to the left of Timothy, she's standing to his right, back from the ladies' room]

TIMOTHY:
Oh [just now seeing her]. Oh! Judith, hey. Are you, uh...how are you, Judith?

JUDITH:
[drunk] Peachy keen. Where's Mabel?

TIMOTHY:
She's in the back handling some business, fucked if I know what it is. She'll be back.

JUDITH:
Oh........don't let anyone take my spot. [her spot is at the back end along the bar. she heads to the back, groggy]

TIMOTHY:
We'll be sure to do that, Judith - [she's already gone, he mutters but audible] you can count on me - [to Leroy] what do you think?

LEROY:
[heading to the booth, grabbing the book on the way] What's to think about? She'll be back in a minute, just watch her spot. [sitting down]
[note: Leroy doesn't look at the cover of the book, nor does he read it. he just kinda' plays with it, as though he doesn't quite know what it's for]

TIMOTHY:
But do you think she's okay?

LEROY:
Okay how? Like jumping hurdles okay? Doing long division okay, what do you want?

TIMOTHY:
I'm asking you, seriously. You know her better than I do.

LEROY:
Judith has never been okay. She was a carwreck at birth and she's a trainwreck now, and by that standard she's as good as ever, maybe even better. She's the last person I'm worried about, if an illness had the balls to try and live in her body, it would pay dearly, you can count on that. She's hardly a human being at this point, more like a - a cyborg or an amoeba. You run yourself that hard for that long, you're blood'll be like something out of a space alien's ass. I don't know how she does it, either, I would evaporate if I had that much alcohol in me, and I can hold it down pretty good.

TIMOTHY:
I don't care if she's a drunk, Leroy, I'm a drunk-

LEROY:
You're not a drunk.

TIMOTHY:
-that shit doesn't impress me anymore.

LEROY:
[shakes head] Timothy...no. You may as well be...Carrie Nation stood up next to the likes of Judith Massey.

TIMOTHY:
Who is Carrie Nation?

LEROY:
You'd cave in within minutes.

TIMOTHY:
You don't think I can get that wasted? I can get that wasted.

LEROY:
Yeah, that's right, you could give it the old college try. Maybe if you were feeling wild that day, but that isn't the same damn thing. Not the same as her. [hesitates, takes a drink] Judith...has been drunk for forty years. When she wakes up in the morning, she is as drunk as you are in your darkest hour. Her body chemistry is so attuned to alcohol that she lives it and breathes it. Sweats it. It isn't a lifestyle choice or something to do for kicks, it's a characteristic, like... like red hair or a hook hand. [leans across the table] If she stopped, let's say for a week, if she stopped drinking entirely for seven days, her entire system - her organism would all come crashing down, she would fucking dissolve. [leans back, done] Turn into a pile of foam.

TIMOTHY:
She can walk.

LEROY:
She's too drunk to fall over. She's too drunk to crash her car into a tree. And honestly, what are we talking about people being sexy enough for, let's say they're good old-fashioned flesh-eating zombies, wouldn't-

TIMOTHY:
There can't be - dammit - if it never existed before, it can't be old-fashioned, it doesn't work like that. It's hardly 'fashioned' in the first place.

LEROY:
Their reputation precedes them.

TIMOTHY:
What reputation?

LEROY:
You know damn well what reputation. They have a name, they have a mythology. If a horse with wings walked into this bar, we'd know what to call it, now wouldn't we?

TIMOTHY:
There's no such thing as unicorns, either.

LEROY:
No! Unicorns don't have wings [he's getting mixed up] - shut up. If you were a straight-up zombie, out for flesh, wouldn't you be the least bit selective? Half of the people I know, you take a bite out of them - you may as well be chewing a dirty dishrag. You know the kind of shit that people are full of, and each generation worse than the next. It's frightening stuff.

TIMOTHY:
So what, I thought you were going to die soon. So you breathe a little bad air, a preservative here and there, a little mercury in the fish, you're not pregnant. Big whoop, you move on.

LEROY:
And you know that Kentucky Fried Chicken's just full of hormones.

TIMOTHY:
Why stop at hormones? Why not - uhhhhh - carcinogens? Or antibiotics - you ever see those whole chickens they sell at the supermarket, you know the ones.

LEROY:
Oh, Jesus, yes, in the plastic containers.

TIMOTHY:
Right next to the checkout line, how the condensation collects all over the inside, all hot and sweaty.

LEROY:
Oozing pure garbage.

TIMOTHY:
Just like the morning dew. It could be anything, really.

LEROY:
Hamburgers full of cow shit, uh, uh, uh expired pharmaceutical pills flushed into the water system that washes the chickens that they cook and you eat.

TIMOTHY:
[shrugs] Still tastes good, I mean-

LEROY:
No, it doesn't, it tastes horrible.

TIMOTHY:
Oh come on, you know it does. And if you don't, I'd suggest you try it. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. I always get the lemon pepper one. And just a tip, the ones closer to the expiration date are the best, that means they've had time to really settle. And then you wait an extra week after you've bought it, that's when it's perfect. It tasting good isn't as much the issue to me, but at least I admit it to myself, it does taste good. I wish I could say I was such a lah-dee-dah nutritionist like yourself, but when it's 3 am, and Jack in the Box is the only place open, my sense of chastity is, uh...well, more of an option. And especially if I'm drunk, if I'm drunk at 3 am, I hit the value meal, and I can get about 3 pounds of food for 14 dollars. They stuff it in a big paper bag like a Christmas stocking. Then I go home and hawg out. And I hardly remember what I've bought, so it's just full of surprises. You should be happy you're single now, you can do that. But, when you wake up on your living room floor you can smell it, literally smell it coming out of your pores. Whatever they put in it to make you think it was food is rejected by your body, and, um...you ever hang out with people that smoke crystal meth?

LEROY:
No. [suspicious] Why?

TIMOTHY:
Nevermind, they - they just stink after a few days from all the...you know, the junk. In fact, between gluttons and junkies, if I were out to eat human flesh, I'd be hard pressed to find anything organic at all. I see your point.

LEROY:
I have trouble believing they'd be all that choosey.

TIMOTHY:
Why not? I mean, maybe someone in here is in fact an uncontaminated person worth eating although I cannot fathom who the fuck it is. If I were out there, I'd be wishing I could eat something out of the colonial days, people that only have syphilis and post traumatic stress disorder, not people like us.

LEROY:
But, wouldn't that make us shitty hamburgers? Or hormone chickens? If these people hadn't had a proper diet before, why should they start now. In fact, why should they even bother with us and just eat and rape each other. That's what I would do.

TIMOTHY:
I like to think that's what I would do as well. Maybe they have an understanding. Mutual respect? I have no idea. If you're horny and hungry enough, maybe only the best will do. I've lowered my standards in a big way over time, and I still wouldn't eat anything that hadn't passed inspection.

LEROY:
You know, 'Vanessa' is pretty virile...

TIMOTHY:
Doesn't smoke, either.

LEROY:
Vegetarian, athletic, stays fit...

TIMOTHY:
Seems to favor the roof, now why would that be? [they look up to the ceiling].

LEROY:
You think we're decoys?

TIMOTHY:
You mean decoys for her?

LEROY:
Yeah.

TIMOTHY:
[thinks...scoffs] No, stop it, we're being paranoid. It doesn't make enough sense.

LEROY:
I don't know, if it's easy enough to imagine, it must make a little sense.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, a paranoid would never say that, Leroy, good call.

LEROY:
It still worries me, though, about the food and the water. You know that as generations go on, the children are eating the meat and drinking the milk and having that shit fed to them and I've seen them, they're getting bigger. Fucking mutants, the whole lot of 'em - this has been proven. I shudder to think what children will be fifty years from now. The thought makes me ill.

TIMOTHY:
It doesn't make me ill.

LEROY:
Well it ought to. It oughta' make you very ill, these little bastards are already out there, and more of them born every day. [headed back to the hole] Given time, we'll be outnumbered, and everywhere we look, there they'll be, mumbling into their phones; multipyling like...feral rabbits, fucking their way into oblivion, and with every intention of taking us with them. Just picture it, they'll be like the...the, uh-

TIMOTHY:
Like the philistines?

LEROY:
Yes. Yes! Like the philistines. [pause] By that standard, I don't see much hope for us. It'll be nothing but autistic, narcissistic, diabetic giants. And you know what we'll be? We'll be the little elves. And the day will come, I shit you not, when we're at a door and we turn to somebody and say 'this peephole is too high'. And they're gonna' look down at us and say 'no it isn't. you're just too short.'

TIMOTHY:
[passively, not looking at Leroy] You should calm down, Leroy.

LEROY:
Eventually, there won't be any need for mythology, or science fiction for that matter? [pause] We'll be the creatures. It'll be nothing but oddity at every turn.

TIMOTHY:
Why wait fifty years, Leroy, you could step outside and be a creature today. Being an elf doesn't seem to be working out for you, from the sound of it. It might actually be the best thing for you. I mean, for the love of God, why suffer through all of this anxiety if you don't have to? Set yourself free.
[Tami walks in]

LEROY:
I'm not suffering from anxiety, it's a simple observation.

TIMOTHY:
Okay, fine, maybe you're not anxious. Maybe you just suck at making simple observations.

LEROY:
Do you imagine that if [sees Tami, stands up] - Oh! Tami, thank God you're here, where have you been [hugging her]?

TAMI:
Hey. I was just in the neighborhood. Figured I'd drop by. Not all too much to say.

LEROY:
Well, welcome. I'd buy you a drink, but Mabel's off - building a raft, I don't know.

TAMI:
Nah, she's outside smoking a bowl with Charlie; by the way, Charlie told me to tell you that he fixed the peephole, so.

LEROY:
How about that? Now that just about everybody of interest is already inside now, I'll be able to see them if they walk outside.

TAMI:
He also said you can stop bitching. I didn't think it was necessary to repeat that part at first. Don't worry about the drink, Mabel said I could make whatever I like, but I've gotta' drive.

LEROY:
Would you care to join us?

TAMI:
Gladly. [sits down on the wall side of the booth, Timothy and Leroy on the other] What did I miss?

LEROY:
No more than what you saw on the way here, same bullshit otherwise. Did you make it here safe?

TIMOTHY:
And where are you driving?

LEROY:
Yeah, where are you driving?

TAMI:
[looks at Timothy] Hi, Timothy. [back to Leroy] I'm headed north, or I will be, figured it best to get the hell out of dodge. I brought you cigarettes, Leroy, red 100's, you smoke those, right? [she has a bag with her, stuffed, reaches in, pulls out a carton]

LEROY:
That I do, I most certainly do [he accepts the carton], thank you. You want any money for 'em?

TAMI:
Nice try. You know your money's no good, don't worry about it. Don't call me generous, I'd have thrown them out if you weren't here.

LEROY:
Where did you get them from?

TIMOTHY:
Do you have any Parliaments?

TAMI:
Yes, I do, but I can't give you any.

TIMOTHY:
You don't have a single spare pack of Parliaments?

TAMI:
Oh, I have plenty of Parliaments, tons of 'em, in fact. But I smoke Parliaments as well and I'm going to need every last one of them. I did the math earlier, they oughtta' last me about a few months or so. I said I need plenty of them, though. Tough times and everything.

TIMOTHY:
That isn't very exact math, Tami, if it adds up to 'about a few or so'. I mean, one pack-

TAMI:
My math'll do just fine.

TIMOTHY:
So, what is it by Tami math, two plus two equals somewhere around four, maybe,-

TAMI:
You can't have one.

TIMOTHY:
-give or take, perhaps?

TAMI:
I have to be sure - more than sure - that what I have is enough and I'd rather deny you one now than be kicking myself in the ass later on smoking what he's smoking [gestures to Leroy opening his carton, pleased], but I tell you what, I just so happened to accidentally [reaching in her bagpack] pick up this pack of Newports. [pulls out a pack of Newports] And they. Are just. For you [handing them across the table].
[he takes them, grudgingly]

LEROY:
But, where did you get them?

TAMI:
I went by The Beer and WIne Cave.

TIMOTHY:
[looks up, brow raised, head cocked] The Beer and Wine Cave?

TAMI:
Yes, Timothy, The Beer and Wine Cave.

TIMOTHY:
The Beer and Wine Cave, the one on Live Oak and Skillman?

TAMI:
You know where it is. And it isn't one of many or even a few, it is The One, so yes, it is The One on Live Oak and Skillman.

TIMOTHY:
Did you happen to see anything unusual, Tami?

TAMI:
Like what? I've lived a block and a half away from the place for ten years - other than the obvious, everything to see in that neighborhood, I've seen it.

LEROY:
Well, it's the obvious that we're kinda' asking about. You see, Deborah was here just a moment ago and from what she told us, she had passed through that very same intersection.

TAMI:
And what did she see?

LEROY:
Well, it isn't so much what she saw...

TAMI:
[Tami sits for a few seconds, looks straight at the two of them as though realizing, but she already knew before] So, she's the one that ran all those people over.

TIMOTHY:
Yyyyyyup.

TAMI:
[scoffs] Bitch.

LEROY:
Did they look dangerous?

TAMI:
They were too dead to look dangerous. Or 'be' dangerous, a corpse like that needs about a week or so to be dangerous. [to Timothy] Maybe, give or take, perhaps.

LEROY:
A corpse like that?

TAMI:
A corpse like lying in the street in the sun, in the dead of summer, it's biohazardous. [head starts hurting] Take a trip to Haiti some time and - oh God, my fucking head. [gets up to get a glass of water]

LEROY:
What's wrong?

TAMI:
[cough] The fumes is what's wrong. [she pours her water] Fuckin' gas fumes...
[comes back, sits down] I woke up. This morning. To no electricity and the radio telling me that everything's gone straight to hell, plague in the streets, and that's fine, I had no problem with that. [drinks] But I knew damn well I wouldn't make it long without power. And more than anything, I was low on gas. I put on my makeup and I don't know why.

LEROY:
Doesn't one need power to listen to the radio? How does that work?

TAMI:
No, Leroy, a person only needs the will. And D batteries, were either of you at all prepared for this? Bottled water? A first aid kit, that kinda' shit?

LEROY:
How could I have expected this; I'd have expected a nuclear holocaust or uh, uh, uh, a mass Chinese invasion. You don't really need bottled water for that.

TAMI:
Maybe not this exactly, but you could have at least have been ready for 'something'.

LEROY:
Why? Nobody here seems to be faring much better than I am. And some of them, including yourself, seem to have been ready all along. More than regret for myself, I pity anyone that up until now was anticipating something terrible to happen to the point that they were almost wishing for it. If this hadn't happened you'd all look like a bunch of idiots.

TAMI:
But it did happen; so we don't. If nothing had happened, we'd at least have the satisfaction of knowing we couldn't be caught completely off guard. Like yourself. Look at you, you have a house with no electricity, the clothes on your back, I heard Stacy took your car, so you don't even have that.

LEROY:
Is that what I am now? This is the guy that Stacy took a car from. Meet Leroy, Stacy took his car.

TAMI:
If things get worse, if the shit comes down harder, I'll know that the four hours I spent siphoning gas out of cars and taking goods from The Beer and Wine Cave was well worth it. I'll be well out of town and you'll still be sitting here like a dildo. A few months from now, you'll be suckin' dick for a bottle of water, Chinese or otherwise. You won't even need a name by then.

TIMOTHY:
You're awfully self-righteous for a thief. If you were so fucking prepared, I'm surprised you'd have to do 'anything' for four hours, you could just get up and go.

TAMI:
Fair enough, but I at least have a plan. Do you have a plan? Do either of you? You are here at this moment, at the mercy of the people that run this place. The only reason that that beer belongs to you is because you paid for it.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, that's right Tami, the beer that I paid for. My plan (I don't know what his plan is [to Leroy]), my plan is to see what happens. That's how I plan things. You could argue there's no time to hesitate, sure, I disagree. All of you, you're so fucking prepared, and then what are you doing? Playing it by ear. Call me as big a loser as you want, tell me I'm some ingrate at the mercy of The Cock and Bull, I'm a law-abiding ingrate and you are an independant criminal. I'm not impressed with either of us.

[she reaches in her bag, grabs a pack of Parliaments, hands them across the table. he looks at her with slight scorn, knowing what her intentions are]

TAMI:
Take 'em.

TIMOTHY:
No. [righteous but subdued] I don't need them.

TAMI:
Okay, well I'm just gonna' put these down here [she puts them down on the table], they're yours.

TIMOTHY:
No thank you. In fact, I don't need these either [he puts the Newports down as well]. Thanks, anyway.

[they have a short stare-off, very short]

LEROY:
And what goods, I mean, what can you shake a place like that down for? Beef jerky? A shitty donut?

TAMI:
That and more. I got a whole car full of little bags of tortilla chips, potato chips, corn chips; pork rinds, sunflower seeds, and licorice. Of course the nacho machine was broken and too big to carry, so I said fuck it.

TIMOTHY:
I'm surprised you didn't steal one of the pumps.

[she shrugs]

LEROY:
Speaking of pumps, how much did your shoes cost?

TAMI:
My shoes?

TIMOTHY:
Or did you steal those, too?

TAMI:
No, smartass, I didn't steal them, I inherited them. They were my sister's, how the hell should I know - and why are you asking me this?

LEROY:
Nothing, just curious is all.

TAMI:
[looks at him suspiciously] Uhhhhhhh.

LEROY:
It's nothing, don't worry about it.

TAMI:
Okay.....Oh! Hey, speaking of lady's evening wear, ya' fuckin' wierdo, check out my ring. [shows off a proposterously sized diamond ring, hovers her hand over the table]

LEROY:
[takes her hand, cocks his head, mutters] My my, would you look at that.

TIMOTHY:
And you're a jewel thief?

TAMI:
I'm not a jewel thief.

LEROY:
Is it real?

TAMI:
Of course it's real, I got it from a jewelry store, it's illegal for them to sell fake ones.

TIMOTHY:
So how does that not make you a jewel thief? Was there a clerk there, behind a counter; that you handed money to?

TAMI:
The place was abandoned, Timothy. It was looted, it was unaccounted for, if you'd have seen it you'd have known. It doesn't belong to anybody anymore.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, according to you.

TAMI:
According to anybody. These places are kaput, sooner or later, even this one, I'd suggest you take what you can while people are still being polite.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, with the upcoming shortage in diamonds and tortilla chips, it'll be pure chaos.

LEROY:
But why would looters leave such a big one behind?

TAMI:
Meh, I figure that they weren't looking for the best, just an armload of whatever. You know how people are.

TIMOTHY:
I guess I don't know how people are. Abandoned or not, you had no business taking that thing for yourself, better yet a gas station.

TAMI:
There was no business to begin with, just broken doors, broken windows, broken display cases. These people won't ever be back again. They'll never know what was taken or not taken, I did what I had to do, and whatever is essential to them, believe me, they took it with them. You think this ring mattered to them? And if so, how come I have it? I wouldn't have grabbed it-

TIMOTHY:
Nabbed it.

TAMI:
I wouldn't have bothered with it if it were still worth anything.

TIMOTHY:
You wouldn't have been able to afford it.

TAMI:
I know. Peculiar, isn't it? And as far as The Beer and Wine Cave is concerned...I'm not concerned. It was open to the public. Once and for all. It's hilarious, they skipped town and on all of the windows were hand-written signs saying "Gone Back to Colorado Until Further Notice. Stay Out!" [a huff or a chuckle, maybe both] Just asking for it, I guess. As you could imagine, the door was wide open. You don't have to be Henry Houdini to bust into a gas station. Or a jewelry store, for that matter. My father was a real burglar, served time for it, and he always told me that locks are for honest people. I had thought he was just trying to cover his ass, but he turned out to be right.

TIMOTHY:
You're saying the lock was already busted. Does that make you an honest thief?

TAMI:
[crinkles forehead] No. Just a lady picking something up off the floor.

LEROY:
Hah. It is a beauty, but you know, it isn't just the size of the diamond, it's about the ring in and of itself.

TAMI:
Tell that to the bitch with the smaller diamond. [holding it up to herself] I've no use for it, but I wanted to see the look on his face when I showed up.

LEROY:
Whose face?

TAMI:
[distracted by the ring, snaps out of it, looks at him] Oh. Philip, you don't know him.

LEROY:
How do I not know this Philip, who is he?

TAMI:
A guy I used to date about seven years ago. We haven't been in touch in awhile, and between you and me, he doesn't know I'm coming, but I've got a free pass where he is. I think they'll be glad to see me, I got along really well with them. They're hippie people, there's a whole community of those fuckers up there.

LEROY:
You dated a hippie?

TIMOTHY:
That's not a community, if they're hippies, it's a commune. You're in a community now. It's community, commune, and then cult. [pause] Respectively.

TAMI:
It's not a cult.

TIMOTHY:
I didn't say it was.

LEROY:
Don't listen to him - you dated a hippie?

TAMI:
He wasn't a hippie when we dated; far from it. When we dated, he was this uptight revolutionary. Everything was police state this and new world order that; the system, the establishment, The Man. It was a bunch of horseshit, of course, but I can't help it, it was really sexy. I can see why women sleep with white supremacists or - or black panthers, I mean, it's childish and stupid, but it's a turn-on. Probably because it's childish and stupid, when they don't wanna' grow up, it's - eh - it's kind of charming. They dress up in unform and everything. They still have to be good-looking, though.

LEROY:
Oh, but of course.

TAMI:
He used to wear this hat [looking off, then quickly putting it out of her mind], anyway, since then he's done the proverbial about face and mixed up with these fucking sunshine people, so now it's all about harmony and the earth mother. Unity and such.

LEROY:
White supremacists are about unity. Why didn't he just join them?

TAMI:
Because they don't take Asians.

LEROY:
Ohhhhhhhh.

TAMI:
That being said, he's pale as all hell. You'd think he was Irish if it weren't for the eyes. And the nose and just about everything else, but he's whiter than anyone I know. It's their loss, really.

TIMOTHY:
So, as one of The Sunshine People-

TAMI:
They're not The Sunshine People, they're The Order of the Inner Cosmos.

LEROY:
[sarcastic] Yeah, Timothy, get it right. Jeez. [laughs hard]

TAMI:
They're really not that bad.

LEROY:
[delirious] Where...the fuck are these people? I know you're not lying, I know. I can tell when you're serious.

TAMI:
They're cool people, I'm not in any danger.

LEROY:
Where are they?

TAMI:
They live north of here, it's still in Texas, though. It's actually called The, uh, The Carlsbad Ranch, has a brand and everything at the gate from when it was owned by a cattle rancher. The guy, or the father, died in 1971, and his peace-loving whatever son inherited it, but they kept the sign and all outside the same so that no one would catch on, right?

LEROY:
The Order of the Inner Cosmos.

TAMI:
Yeah, yeah, so that rednecks wouldn't come and burn everything to the ground or whatever it is they're supposed to do [looks to Timothy] to a 'community'. A hippie 'community'. [back to Leroy] You could say that these mysterious rednecks never caught on (or the locals just didn't care to bother), so when I went up there a couple years back, the gate was still up. For the sake of authenticity, it looks the same as the day it was built, and they still think nobody's on to them.

TIMOTHY:
So locks really are for honest people.

TAMI:
Indeed they are.

LEROY:
So, I can go there, too, right?

TAMI:
No.

LEROY:
Why not? They love people, don't they? I thought that's what it was all about.

TAMI:
It still has to be reciprocal. They love people that are loving, people that are also loving, so they sure as fuck don't love you. You're not enough of a naturalist anyway, or at the very least mellow enough. They would consider you a square. Or a straight.

LEROY:
So what, you're not a naturalist either.

TAMI:
I'm enough of one to fake it. I'm convincing.

LEROY:
So if I went up there, they wouldn't let me in.

TAMI:
You'll never know where there is in the first place, so it doesn't matter.

LEROY:
It's on the Carlsbad Ranch, you said it yourself.

TAMI:
I know I did.

LEROY:
You think I can't find that?

TAMI:
You wouldn't know where to begin. A girl scout would have better luck. Even if you found it you'd be kindly turned away. All of that talk of compassion and brotherhood looks good on paper, but love is still conditional. Even on the ranch.

LEROY:
So no love for me?

TAMI:
No, Leroy, they have love for everybody, but it's not a flop-house. You'd have to get into their way of life and you're beyond the pale. You'd hate it. Trust me, you hate it already.

TIMOTHY:
She's right, Leroy. The hippies are a peaceful sort. Rather like the Amish, except if you piss them off enough, they really will hit you. You're better off without them.

LEROY:
Wait, remind me, how do you get in and I don't?

TAMI:
I get in because of Philip, I told you.

LEROY:
So, like the buddy system?

TAMI:
No.

LEROY:
A voucher?

TAMI:
No, not that either. A couple of years ago we got kinda' married there, so I'm...a member.

LEROY:
What(?!), you never said you were married.

TAMI:
I'm not.

TIMOTHY:
She's a fucking jewel thief, married to a hippie-

TAMI:
[laughing] No.

TIMOTHY:
-with links to the KGB. She shot Reagan, they caught the wrong man.

TAMI:
Shut up [not aggressive, the nice offhand "shut up" like mom does].

LEROY:
I'm just amazed though, Tami, I never knew this side of you. I wouldn't think you'd marry anybody.

TAMI:
How was I ever not a wife? And with so many dicks to choose from. And I'm not married, at least not lawfully. I was visiting him and it just so happened to be the winter solstice. They take that kind of shit very seriously.

TIMOTHY:
[shrugs] God knows I...I never pass up a good solstice.

LEROY:
So the hell what, so there has to be a wedding?

TAMI:
No, not 'has to be', but it made a lot of sense to them at the time. Hey, don't look at me, he's the one that requested it, I was just being nice. Next thing I know I'm being dressed up for some bridal ceremony out in the forest. The problem is that I took the peyote first, or otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with it.

TIMOTHY:
Did you get a ring? I mean, other than that one?

TAMI:
No. They don't don't do rings, but I have the dress they made me in the trunk. I'll put it on just before I get there. I was supposed to wear it every day since then, but seriously. In fact, I was almost expected to live there for the rest of my life, but I had to be back at work on Monday. The restaurant would go fucking haywire if I wasn't there.

LEROY:
Well, I guess you don't have to worry about that now.

TAMI:
Never again, sadly enough. As far as this morning, business is closed. Indefinitely, they say, but I know better.

TIMOTHY::
Yeah, maybe forever - I mean, for awhile - but you won't be around to be sure. You don't know.

LEROY:
So I'll never see you again, Tami.

TAMI:
You might see me again, but not as long as you're here. If I needed a strong reason to get the fuck out of Dallas, I've certainly got one now. Serendipity, I guess. If you were wise, you'd do the same, place is no good anymore. It wasn't great to begin with.

TIMOTHY:
Are they as smug as you are about all of this? I mean, will they be? Do they even know when a thing happens? You think these people [points thumb to outside] won't get to you, what, because you ran the furthest away?

TAMI:
I don't think so, no.

TIMOTHY:
[ignoring her] I just don't agree with that. It probably explains why hippie communes are in the middle of nowhere in the first place. The wilderness is a fine place to be a coward.

TAMI:
It isn't so much about running away. And no, they won't get to us, they wouldn't think to. It's a bartering system up there, they wouldn't be interested.

TIMOTHY:
I don't think they give a shit if they have a bartering system, Tami.

TAMI:
[she looks at the both of them for a moment, puzzled and realizing but not yet sure if they're aware of the circumstance. turns her head slightly, eyes still on Timothy and Leroy, brow furrowed]
Wwwwwait a minute - did you by any chance pick up a-

LEROY:
And what do they even trade? I mean, what do they even have to begin with?

[she reaches for her bag. pulls it up, is opening it]

TIMOTHY:
They trade great big baskets full of flowers, Leroy. The flowers are what they used to make their hats.

LEROY:
Hah, they probably use the baskets to make wedding dresses for Tami. Could you see her in a basket, all turned upside down, little arm holes. She'd look like a tiny little girl in a thimble.

TAMI:
[she stops] You know, that's the problem with you people-

TIMOTHY:
Oh, it's 'you people' now.

TAMI:
-you're so fucking spoiled and taken care of, not only can you not remember a time when you were useful; and self-sustaining, aside from wiping your own asses, (if that), but you can't even bring yourself to believe it when other people are. And I'm the one being smug. These people work a farm. They raise animals, and they don't even eat them, they just feed them and take care of them until they get old and die. Their livestock die of [stressing on this] natural fucking causes, and they still manage to feed themselves. They don't even shave the sheep for wool, they just give them a trim so they don't get too hot in the summer. And you know what, it ain't too goddam' bad.

TIMOTHY:
Is that what you're gonna' do. Trim the sheep? Till the fields? You won't last a week.

LEROY:
Hell, imagine what you could get for that fancy bauble [gesturing at the ring]. By the time you're through with them, there won't be any sheep left.

TIMOTHY:
I'd be surprised if they'd trade anything for a diamond ring. If you walked up to them with such a wordly posession, they'd probably flip out. Not that they'd kill you or anything, they'd probably just go hide behind a tree.

LEROY:
Throw handfuls of soybeans at her. [throwing handfuls motion] Witch! Witch!

[Timothy and Leroy laugh at her]

TIMOTHY:
Doesn't make a difference anyway, once these people [looks to barricade] show up, you can offer them all you want, they'll eat and fuck every last hippie on the premises. And I hope those sheep have been shaved recently, because it's a hot day, and they're gonna' have a lot of running to do.

[she looks at them, worried-like]

LEROY:
[to Tami] What?

TAMI:
Oh my God. I wasn't sure of it, but you don't know. Do either of you have any idea what this is all about? A fucking clue as to what's going on?

LEROY:
We've been here, Tami, it's been going on here, so yes, we know.

TAMI:
No, I mean why it is happening.

LEROY:
What...why? [waiting] Why?!

[she's picked up her bag again, opens it, pulling out a newspaper]

TIMOTHY:
Is that from today?

TAMI:
Of course it is. They delivered them all over the city this morning, hopefully to warn people, but it didn't work, obviously. There's a great big stack of 'em outside, you could have taken one any time you like, but I suppose it would have been too much trouble. And instead you're reading War and Peace. What's wrong with you?

LEROY:
[he looks at the book] Oh! It is War and Peace. [hadn't looked at the book, so hadn't found out before that Mabel had not cared enough to know which she was grabbing at the time]

TIMOTHY:
Tami, do you see that barricade? That one? It's protecting us, it's protecting me. The newspapers, that great big stack of them, are on the other side, so forgive us for not having one.

TAMI:
They don't care about you.

TIMOTHY:
Oh really? From the sound of it, they care a helluva' lot.

[she unfolds the newspaper, front page, all red ink, DEATH CAPITAL typed in bold red letters, shows it to them both]

TAMI:
It's the cash. You moron. You think they want in here for a piece of your action? They didn't want a piece of Judith, and she was standing right out in the middle of it. Now why would that be?

[Timothy and Leroy look at each other, then back at her]

LEROY:
We had some theories.

TAMI:
You had some theories. She runs tabs up into the hundreds here before she pays them, she's running one now. [shrugging] She can do that because she's good for it, but she'll drink for six days straight and on the seventh day, she'll show up with a big wad of cash and pay it off like she always does. Today was not one of those days; so they left her alone. But they don't go after people for what they owe, if they were after tabs and debts they'd just stay at home and harass themselves. They want the money now. And what's all this about them fucking people? Is it necessary for us to sexualize everything? The eating thing I understand, it's a - it's a matter of reputation, but-

LEROY:
Egh, that was more Deborah's take on it, all the rape and everything, that wasn't us.

TAMI:
When did you start believing anything that Deborah tells you? I'd say that multiple counts of vehicular manslaughter sorta' shoots a person's credibility, don't you agree?

LEROY:
She didn't just make it up out of thin air, Tami, she was leaving Turtle Creek and she saw a woman at an intersection. Getting her clothes torn off, and as untrustworthy as we know she is, I believe her on that one. Not so much the rape charge, but that she saw what she saw.

TAMI:
Leroy. They were robbing her. If Deborah had stuck around longer, which I assume she didn't, she would have seen them going through her pockets, her purse, her socks or whereever the hell it was, and then leave her there, fresh as a daisy. Give or take a few bumps and bruises, but otherwise fine. But who am I kidding, even then she would have only seen what she wanted to see. She would have driven to Live Oak and Skillman, and she would have ran those fucking people over anyway. Like the murdering cold-blooded cunt she is.

TIMOTHY:
She didn't kill them in cold blood, and I agree she's a bitch, but she still considered herself in danger. What would you do?

TAMI:
I'd veer around them is what I'd do.

TIMOTHY:
Yeah, you'd veer around them.

TAMI:
Yeah.

TIMOTHY:
She was threatened.

TAMI:
So...what? She murdered nearly a dozen people. [she has started removing her make-up with little sponge wedges] And why are you defending her? You know, when people treat you like shit, it isn't an invitation for you to curry favor with them. Look at you, she isn't even here and you're behaving like a couple of pussies. [she stops for a moment] And by the way...you know that they get newspapers in Turtle Creek. You are aware of that; right?

LEROY:
Okay, so they get newspapers in Turtle Creek.

TAMI:
Are you aware...that she might have read the newspaper?

TIMOTHY:
Sure, she might have. So. What?

LEROY:
[it finally making sense to him] Oh. [resigned] Oh.

TIMOTHY:
So what? Are you being vague on purpose, because it doesn't-

LEROY:
No, Timothy, she isn't being vague. [slightly depressed] She might have already known about this [tapping newspaper] and just ran them over anyway.

TIMOTHY:
What, you think she killed them for kicks?

LEROY:
No way to be sure, but I wouldn't put it past her.

TAMI:
[half of her make-up still on] Neither would I. Listen, people like Deborah have wanted to run somebody over - their entire life. And there are a lot of people like Deborah. And who knows, those people could have been a true to life gang of rapists by a stretch of imagination, but they'd have been nothing like the people outside, and sure as hell nothing like the corpses on Live Oak and Skillman. A rapist would have moved. A rapist would have been on the sidewalk or in a shadow. Rapists don't just stand around in the street. What, do you think they were gonna' just lock arms and block her? If Deborah had been driving a tank at Tiananmen Square, she'd have run that asshole over, too. At least I like to think so. She must have known. She must have.

TIMOTHY:
I guess we'll never know.

TAMI:
No, they were too diverse, I saw them. [relaxing, smoking] They weren't it, they couldn't have been dangerous, dangerous people are too self-preserving like that. In fact, aside from death by misadventure, I'd say that a majority if not all of the murders, along with every rape, is due to people that are perfectly fine. It's a state of emergency... in a state like this; it's open season. Every awful thing you ever wanted to do to a person.

LEROY:
Do you remember that guy, Hillsman, it was something Hillsman, after Katrina happened? [replace with current natural disaster over time] How his wife had drowned and he was all grief-stricken on the news. Until they found her body, or course, with a big bullet in her head.

TAMI:
Yeah, fine.

LEROY:
He had used a mean gun, too, I can't remember what kind, but the bullet had just danced around in her skull and stayed there. He's probably safer in prison. I mean, with no cash and all.

TAMI:
Nah, he's probably much worse off. You wanna' talk about people eating one another. I'm telling you, fuck it, if you wanna' be afraid of somebody, look no further [slightly gestures around]. And for all of the shit that they do to people in the meantime, if things went back to normal (which they won't), they'd be feigning ignorance, saying their lives were at stake. Or they were in fear of being raped, in Deborah's case. Awfully convenient that she could come by and create character witnesses out of rubes like yourselves. Her time will come, though, hopefully somehow. I'd love to believe that there will be a - a return to margin and the bitch'll get justice. She'll get hers and God what I wouldn't give to be on that jury. [she's starting to change her mind, thinking there may be order again, although more out of convenience. i mean, how could she ever be on that jury otherwise]

TIMOTHY:
Are you trying to say that you don't like her?

TAMI:
[glares] Fuck you - and no, I don't dislike her. [matter-of-fact, impassionate] I just hate everything she represents and stands for. No matter, by the time she's on trial, she'll be just short of retarded. But who am I kidding, even a retard has character. They'll send her to an institution, unlike that Hillsman fellow. She's probably big on credit cards, but even then, with as much cash as she handles, her fate is pretty much inevitable. I'm relieved that I don't have to go through the trouble of wishing it upon her, and everyone else like her, and that they'll just do it for me. Who knows, maybe she'll be back out front tomorrow, although I'd bet that she has more than enough dough whereever she's going.

LEROY:
Whereever she's gone. She was headed to Forest Hills, no doubt that she's made it there by now. Gone over to a family house, probably a safe full of unmarked bills from the Caiman Islands. You couldn't ask for better.

TAMI:
Pfff, at this point she's sat on a pile of it and drooling on herself like an invalid. Granted, it would be harder for me to pass judgement if it were my problem, but here we are.

LEROY:
Even then, if she comes back tomorrow, she'll know to come in through the back. Fuck the front.

TAMI:
No. She wouldn't, they don't think of shit like that. They don't devise anything. With that short of an attention span, they still only know to shop from the front, her included. And they might look slow to you, but put a five in front of them and you'd be surprised how ambitious they suddenly are.

TIMOTHY:
Why not a hundred? They'd go crazy for that.

TAMI:
No crazier [meaning no more crazy], doesn't matter if it's a thousand or a two, it's in the paper. You could give them nothing but ones, it would be the same difference. [long pause] Not to worry you, but I have a bad feeling you might be as bad off as they are. [putting them at ease] But you seem fine, I haven't noticed anything.

TIMOTHY:
I came here with a hundred dollar bill.

TAMI:
Just the one bill?

TIMOTHY:
Just the one. So I'm a bit worried myself. If you're right, that is.

TAMI:
Don't be so worried, it isn't all infected, That being said, I wouldn't roll the dice too much, and if you break that hundred, don't take anything unless it's in coins. [she shakes her bag, many coins jingling] I've got enough quarters and whatnot, they're all over the place wherever you go, and it's the best that you can do to be safe but also be ready for when currency matters all over again. In case it happens. I should have bought gold when I had the chance.

TIMOTHY:
What does it matter where you're going?

TAMI:
I'm only going there, and I'll be there for awhile, but I couldn't stay there for long. I'm certain that I'll have to move along somewhere, but in the meantime, I'll manage. It might be worse, but I'm willing to take that risk. And on that note, I'm gonna' clear out.

[she gets up, bag hanging from her hand, no make-up on. Leroy gets up as well]

TAMI:
How do I look?

LEROY:
[shrugs] What can I say? [hugging] 'I'd' marry you. Or somebody like you. [they kiss on the mouth] Maybe not you exactly, but your friend Philip did well. Treat him good.

TAMI:
I will. And here [she takes the ring off and places it on the newspaper she placed on the table] Go fall in love with somebody, Leroy. [passive] Goodbye, Timothy. [she leaves]

TIMOTHY:
[after she's gone, absently] Bye.

[Leroy sits back down next to Timothy. they sit for about twenty seconds. their eyes move for a bit, but they themselves don't]

[Leroy gets up quickly, heading to the kitchen]

TIMOTHY:
[Timothy knows what he is thinking] Yeah. [heads after him]

[from inside the kitchen]

[they rush in, Leroy heading for a bottle of pink disinfectant, strerilizer, cleanser, half-gallon size]
[Timothy seeking out a pair of tongs, the chef's kind, and they both find what they need]

[Timothy digs into his shirt pocket with the tongs to get the hundred-dollar bill out of it. Leroy is pouring the jug of sanitizer over his hands but not over the sink, onto the floor]

TIMOTHY:
[extremely bothered by the sight of it] What the fuck are you doing? [he throws the hundred-dollar bill into the big kitchen sink with the tongs, lets go of the tongs, but one tongue or leg of them stays in his pocket, holding it there (not necessary, but would be nice)]

[he grabs Leroy, forcing him to the sink]

LEROY:
What does it matter, get your fucking hands off of me- [led to the sink, shakes Timothy off] Who gives a shit? Timothy? Man!? [this is actually one sentence, not three questions. he is then pouring it on his hands over the sink, sets the jug down and scrubs under his fingernails while Timothy grabs the hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket with the tongs and throws it in the sink. if you drop it, that's okay, just make sure it ends up in the sink]

LEROY:
Now do me.

TIMOTHY:
Do you? Where is it?

LEROY:
Here. [looking down at his right hip pocket. Timothy puts the tongs in.]

TIMOTHY:
Be still! [Timothy pulls it out, puts it in the sink and drops the tongs in as well]

LEROY:
[mutters] Where is the pumice soap, I need pumice.

TIMOTHY:
Now move.

LEROY:
I'm not done.

TIMOTHY:
Move! And get the fuck out of here. I'll take care of the floor, take care of your mess, and you can move - and get the fuck out of the kitchen.

LEROY:
[bemused by his attitude] I'll take care of it.

TIMOTHY:
No! I insist [drag that line out, angrily]! [hold a short pause] Go!

LEROY:
Fine. Do it, [pointing crookedly down at the mess, like Timothy is a servant] clean up my mess. Clean it good.

TIMOTHY:
Go!

LEROY:
[walking off] Ya' prick. [he goes back to the table, sat with his back to the wall, facing everyone else in the bar]

[Timothy finishes, flecks the water off of his hands, rubs water on his face, and grabs a nearby mop, giving the spill a quick once over]

[he goes back to the table, sits, next to Timothy, facing the rest. the hostility between them has passed. they are a little exhausted.]

LEROY:
[Leroy has been staring at Mabel; she's behind the bar] Mabel didn't bitch at us.

TIMOTHY:
Good.

LEROY:
Timothy, she didn't come back and say anything.

TIMOTHY:
So?

LEROY:
That doesn't settle well with me.

TIMOTHY:
You know she's at work, right? Maybe she was busy.

LEROY:
Never that busy. She would have always bitched at us.

TIMOTHY:
Never say always [more to himself than to Leroy, looking at Mabel more curiously]. She must have been preoccupied, stop troubling yourself.

LEROY:
Should we tell them?

TIMOTHY:
[shrug] I'm sure they know already.

LEROY:
But if they don't know already, I figure they ought to.

TIMOTHY:
I can't promise that it makes much of a difference. And all things considered, even someone as noble and altruistic as Tami Byler has been wrong once or twice.

LEROY:
She didn't make it up on her own, it's right here. [taps newspaper]

TIMOTHY:
I know it is. You may not believe this, but even they're wrong from time to time, usually on accident. I mean, do you believe everything the press tells you?

LEROY:
When they print it in big red fucking letters, yes.

TIMOTHY:
You know, I never agreed with those coffee mugs that say World's Greatest Dad, and now I know why. If only they'd written it in big red fucking letters.

LEROY:
[blowing him off] Alright, okay.

TIMOTHY:
Go ahead, go, spread the word. I hope it blows their minds. If they're not already aware, it's probably inevitable, and if that's the case, I see no reason to worry them any more than is necessary.

LEROY:
[scoffs] What does that say for us?

TIMOTHY:
[light laugh or guffaw] Not much. We did manage to wash our hands, though, so cheers to that [tilts glass].

LEROY:
[sombre, not looking at Timothy] Cheers. [they clink glasses, bump the bases of their glasses on the table, then drink] I mean. What happens if we become like them [to the people outside]? We'll end up beating at that fucking barricade it from this end. It'll stay up forever.

TIMOTHY:
No it won't. It'll come down before everybody dies of hunger. Or heatstroke, or they'll head off before it ever comes down at all. You know, the joy of the Philly Cheesesteak place next door is that they don't toast the buns from the top and bottom but from the sides. You wouldn't think it mattered, but it tastes great. [four seconds, however you want to fill that time] They'll get over it, Leroy. Whatever their priorities are, obvious what they are for now, but eventually they'll want to drink a tall cold glass of water, eat a warm toasted sandwich, and masturbate. In a warm feather bed. [Leroy hasn't quite been listening to him] So what are you going to do?

LEROY:
[shaken] Oh, um, I don't think I'm going to do anything. Why, what are you going to do?

TIMOTHY:
[brow furrowed, shaking the obvious] I'm going to leave.

LEROY:
[skeptical] To where?

TIMOTHY:
To somewhere else. What's the point of-

LEROY:
No. Tell me. What better place are you headed to? Can you imagine...all of the places you could run to that the people that already 'live' there are running away from? What are you gonna' do, really? Is there a crowd of people halfway between Corpus and San Antonio or, uh, Houston and Austin? Maybe they could have a tailgate party. Fuck, there's probably a crowd of people between Dallas and Fort Worth that came to a head about seven hours ago. And what did they do? Go from one abandoned place to the other? And hide? My time isn't so precious, but regardless, I'm not going to waste it in limbo out on a fucking highway.

TIMOTHY:
You would prefer this limbo? It isn't gonna' get any better here, Leroy.

LEROY:
I'm not questioning whether or not it's going to get any better over here, what I'm questioning is do I want to be out in the middle of fucking nowhere wishing that I'd just stayed where I am. There might be better places, I'm sure there are many, but I don't know which places those are and neither do you. So limbo? Yes. I'm more comfortable with this one.

TIMOTHY:
At least I'll be trying. That might be a life to you, but it's not living.

LEROY:
I'm not saying that I'm gonna' end up like them. I have no idea. I don't know, and while I don't know, I'm not gonna' waste my energy heading from one debacle to another. I'm not gonna' waste my time.

TIMOTHY:
Good for you, waste it here, it's all yours.

LEROY:
I will. If it's the end, well - well, it's the end.

TIMOTHY:
Well, then, I guess this is goodbye.

LEROY:
[wasn't listening] Hold that thought, I need to take a piss.

TIMOTHY:
Okay.

LEROY:
[Leroy heads around the table, Timothy does not get up to let him out] You sprayed it down, right?

TIMOTHY:
[confused] The bathroom? No, Leroy,I did.

LEROY:
I did? I did. Good. [Leroy heads to the men's room.]

TIMOTHY:
[Timothy watches him with an unassured feeling. He heads for the bar, to Mabel] Hey, Mabel, I need to pay my tab. Mabel?

MABEL:
Yes.

TIMOTHY:
But, I don't have the money on me, or - on my person, it's in the sink in the kitchen, it should more than cover it. I just need to be rang up. So if you could do that.

MABEL:
[she is standing still, doing nothing, propped against the back wall, halfway between her usual self and dumbfounded] What for?

TIMOTHY:
Are you okay?

MABEL:
What are you talking about?

TIMOTHY:
I was asking if you are you okay. [disregards] Nevermind, I have a tab here, and I'm letting you know that the money I have to pay that tab is in the sink in the kitchen. It's a hundred-dollar bill and you can keep the whole thing. Okay?

[the lights and power dwindle to nothing, to darkness, and then back up again, and when it comes back up, everyone else has the same pose and expression, but Timothy is utterly uncomfortable with where he is, but acting cautious.]

TIMOTHY:
[very worried, watching Mabel] Okay. [he looks back to the corner booth and Leroy is sitting at it. he backs away from the bar rather carefully and heads to the booth] Leroy, you should get out. Leroy...
[It occurs to him. he runs back to the kitchen and looks in the sink, no cash in it. the tongs are still there. walks back to the booth] Hey. Hey. [nudges Leroy, the way you'd politely try to awaken someone, but nothing. crouches down to see Leroy's hands under the table. they are full of cash. sits at the opposite side of the table for a moment, huffs. gets up, feeling true regret, but resigned to it.] It was nice knowing you, Leroy. [pats Leroy on the head. looks at the pack of Newports on the table and moves to pick them up, and then at the Parliaments. stacks the pack of Newports on the Parliaments and pockets them both, and in the process notices the ring on the newspaper. looks at those at the bar, then at Leroy, and furtively picks up the ring and puts it in his shirt pocket. leaves the newspaper. turns away to leaves.]
[his sense of pride or morality is irrelevant because as far as his view of the situation goes, he is alone]
[exit Timothy]

[the bar is silent, with only the standard electric hum. give it about ten seconds]

LEROY:
[Leroy gets up from the booth and sits at the bar. Looking at Mabel.] Mabel.

MABEL:
[still behind the bar, doing nothing. she walks to the register, shaking her head for no particular or personal reason, opens it.]

[she slowly claws the cash out of the drawer, sluggish, emotionless, staring straight at him]

LEROY:
But where is her to for.

[There are only several people at the bar (four to six), and everyone in the bar has cash in their hands. One or two have watched her claw the money out with dumbfounded interest, one didn't notice anything at all, one looked down at what money they were holding to make sure it was still there]

[they all sit there for twenty seconds]

MABEL:
[looks up from the cash she has and sluggishly says to no one] This isn't enough.

[Leroy's head starts to turn with the barricade, and almost in unison, the rest of the heads do. to the barricade, or rather the people on the other side. ten seconds pass.]

[They all get up and start moving toward it together. The lights go black before they reach it. And only the sound of them beating on the barricade from this end]

[roll credits]

[and after the credits, preferably a shot of the register being slammed shut (if a movie)]